I thought I'd write a blog today, partially for an update, but mostly for therapy.  My heart has ached over the past few days and I have done some serious crying for my cousin's baby, Caroline.  She was born Thanksgiving Day, a few weeks prior to her due date, and a week early from her scheduled cesarean, with spina bifida.  Her eight hour surgery the next day went well and she was making great strides in learning to suck, swallow and her body was working well on its own as she was quickly being taken off support in the NICU.  A couple days ago, things moved in the opposite direction; her stats were rapidly dropping, she was put on oxygen which needed to be increased, seizure medication and she was intubated.  Every test possible has been run on her and now is she is faced with a possible very risky surgery tomorrow to relieve pressure on the brain stem, which may not help.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help but have a pity party for my cousin, Julie.  I can't help  but ask "why her?"  Julie and I have talked multiple times about "normal pregnancies" and how we both wished  we could've had one.  She had suffered a miscarriage prior to Caroline, and found out Caroline possibly had SB around week 20; you all know my pregnancy struggles.  Why do the most negligent mothers have multiple babies, and my cousin, who will be an amazing mother, have so many trials towards motherhood?  I know most pregnancies end well, but I have seen the other side of that with friends and family, and I do worry more about my sweet little miracle.

On a positive note, I have started feeling Kingston move and the feeling is indescribable!  I was getting impatient and more worried each time people would ask "have you felt him yet?"  Every book or pregnancy app I read said I could expect to feel movement anywhere from 18-22 weeks.  The ultrasound tech on my last ultrasound felt him, my OB felt him... Why wasn't I?  On Monday as I was leaving work, a co-worker and friend put her face up to my belly, as she often does, and spoke to him.  She told me to go home, put some music up to my stomach and that should help me feel him.  On the way home the new song from Adele "Hello" came on Pandora; I turned up the volume and as I sang along I felt something.  It's funny the start of the chorus to that song is "hello from the other side."  I put one hand on my belly, pressed down and felt him, multiple times!  That night the Redskins played Dallas and as Lee and his brother, Marc were screaming at the TV and I could feel him again, without my hands!  Since then he has been an active little boy, mostly at night when I finally sit down and rest.  I felt him the other night so I lifted my shirt and could see his movements.

My belly has had a significant growth spirt in the last several weeks, as well as my aches and pains, but it's all been manageable.  It's so interesting what pregnancy does to your body!  I've had pain below my breasts for about a week which I first blamed on my bra, then thought I had done something to bruise my ribs.  Finally I realized it's all from pregnancy; everything is stretching, expanding and growing, and I have been fascinated with watching my body grow.  As I write this now, Kingston seems to have just woken up and is saying his hellos.

I dropped off presents yesterday at Jacob's Heart, a local organization that supports children with cancer and their families.  For the last two years, we've adopted a less fortunate family as a gift in honor of the doctors at work for their Christmas present.  This year was our first year with Jacob's Heart and after visiting their facility a week ago with my friend Lourdes, I was so overwhelmed with sadness for these families and walked out adopting another family.  Their facility is impressive and has everything from playrooms for younger and older children, a large kitchen and counseling rooms for families.  My in-laws, Lee's brother, my friend Bridgitte and Lee and I donated clothes, shoes, toys, a bike and a grocery store gift card to a family that desperately needed support.  The mother is a single mom of 3 children; one boy age 10, a girl age 8 and another girl, age 5.  The little boy has cancer and his prognosis doesn't look good.  They all live together in one bedroom of an apartment they share with another family.  Jacob's Heart found out they were sleeping on the floor so purchased mattresses for them.  They also bought pots, pans, dishes and utensils after learning the family they shared the apartment with stopped letting them use theirs as they thought they were going to catch the boy's cancer.  It was a huge reminder how privileged we are and how lucky we are with all of our comforts and health.  As an upcoming mother, I couldn't help but think you never know where life will lead you and your family, and it's so important to help others.  Next year I hope I can get my Virginia family involved and any friends that are interested so we can adopt more families.

I took Banjo to the vet this week, partly because his tear stain was getting worse (he has to be put on antibiotic ointment every once in awhile) and partly to see if his "episodes" as I call them, were related to an eye infection.  Banjo's episodes have consisted of lethargy, his head wobbling a little, hiding and just an overall appearance of not feeling well and have been increasing lately.  I showed the vetinarian a video I took on Sunday when his episode lasted three and a half hours, and she said it looked like he just didn't feel well, but couldn't give me a definitive diagnosis, which I wasn't expecting.  We talked about everything from exhaustion after too much excitement from certain toys like Lee's drone (he goes crazy and will hyperventilate) which is a behavioral problem to low blood sugar to seizures.  She recommended I get an over-the-counter glucose kit to test his level when he has another episode.  She had a tech come in to show me how to use one and his glucose results were 40 (normal was 80-100)!  The doctor was completely shocked and flabbergasted as she expected it to be normal.  She said his appearance that morning didn't look like a dog with a glucose level that low.  She did a blood test, since the prick tests can be around 20 points off, and it came back as 60.  She consulted with an internist on the phone while I was there, who was also puzzled.  She didn't understand why she was able to neuter him last year and he had no problem with anesthesia.  Banjo has been to the vet twice as a puppy for what we were told were "classic signs" of digesting marijuana.  Both times he had been downtown that day where there is a lot of drug activity.  Since then he's had episodes where he's exhibited the exact same signs, but snapped out of it quickly just as I was ready to take him to the vet.  I told the doctor I really think both times he was hospitalized wasn't caused by pot, but whatever is going on internally.  Lee and I have actually argued several times about what is going on with him.  I know my dog and know when something isn't right and have argued after he's told me multiple times that Banjo is "just tired; he's fine!"  We now have to come up with about $1,000 to see an internist, do a full panel blood work up and possibly an ultrasound.  It is what it is and all I want is for Banjo to be okay.  He's been acting like his old self since his appointment as we've been making sure he eats 3-4 meals a day.  Lucky little guy gets to have wet food mixed in with his dry to ensure he wil eat it.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season.  I'm asking for prayers more than ever for my sweet little cousin, Caroline!  All I really want for Christmas is for everyone to be healthy and healed.

XOXO,
Chelle

 Friday I will be 22 weeks, which is 5.5 months... which is almost to 6 months!  Needless to say this pregnancy is flying by!   It still seems like yesterday I was preparing for IVF and my thoughts were consumed with if it would work and what it would be like to be pregnant.  I stare down at my belly daily, smile and thank God for this little angel.  The worrying hasn't stopped, but since my last ultrasound no major events/pains have happened so I've felt a little more at ease.  Four days prior to my last ultrasound I had some pretty significant cramping all along my lower abdomen, that started mildly the night before and grew stronger the next day, Friday.  I called my OB office and talked to my doctor's MA (my doctor doesn't work on Fridays).  She was not very reassuring to say the least and in hindsight I should've demanded to be seen.  I was in tears that night, from the cramping and fear, and Lee wanted to take me to the hospital, but I declined.  I got very little sleep that night and at one point thought my cramping felt like contractions, or at least what I've heard contractions feel like.  Saturday was a little better and after resting the day away I was much better on Sunday, but still not 100%.  My OB told me last week it is normal to have contractions now, but I need to monitor and count them.  If they persist or worsen I'll have to call the on-call OB to meet me at the hospital, if after hours.

I feel like I should write a book titled "All The Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy."  I've never heard about contractions this early, or severe back pain from shifting of your weight (11lbs can do that?!), or insomnia (that's it for sleeping through the night?) or cramping to the point you feel like your baby is going to drop out!  I thought these were all late third trimester things.  I've watched two of my co-workers this past year, one of which is a close friend, go through their entire pregnancies feeling great without any of these problems.  I thought I was in the clear and it was smooth sailing after my mild nausea went away.  Another thing I wasn't prepared for this early on is hair loss.  Everyone tells me it happens after your baby is born, but I've noticed it picking up in the last month or so.  I almost started to cry this weekend when I washed my hair after three days of not messing with it (I was a little lazy over the holiday) and huge chunks were coming out!  I'm not exagerating!  I took a picture and showed Dr. C at work, which he replied "wow!  That's a lot of hair!"  Not a reply you want to hear from your dermatologist!  I figured it was telogen effluvium, which is a big fancy word for hair loss after a major stress on your body (common after surgeries, having a baby, etc), but why now?  He confirmed it probably is telogen effluvium and thinks all the hormones I took months ago for IVF play a big role and the fact that I didn't do anything with my hair for three days, which I never do.  You lose one hundred hairs a day, so I guess I was just holding all those hairs in my braid, waiting to come out.  Fortunately I have a ton of hair, but I'd really love to keep it that way!

We had our big 20 week anatomy ultrasound just before Thanksgiving, which you've probably already seen the pictures from on Facebook.  Everything looked normal and Kingston is right on track with his growth!  My placenta is still low lying, but they didn't expect it to move much in the three weeks since my last ultrasound.  They seem pretty confidant it will continue to move as my uterus expands.  The ultrasound took one and a half hours because our little boy was all over the place.  He can't sit still during my ultrasounds and at times seems to be showing us a few of his dancing moves.  Who does that remind you of?!  I think if there was ever any doubt if they transfered the correct embryos into me, these ultrasounds confirm they did!  The ultrasound tech kept bouncing the wand on my tummy and had me frequently shift from my right side to my left side to see if he would turn over (he's a stomach sleeper, like his Dad).  He finally moved and looked like he was doing a somersault, and the tech was happy... until he decided he was only going to do a half-way somersault and stopped with his head pointed at his stomach.  She said "Really?  You're going to stop there?  That can't be comfortable."  So it seems we have a very hyper baby (Lee) with a bit of stubborness (me).  It's amazing how they can do the 4D ultrasounds now and even though he wouldn't show us all of his face, the view we got is priceless!  Lee thinks he has my nose, but a lot of people have commented that he looks like Lee.  At one point I did look at his photo and think "oh my gosh, that IS Lee!"  Regardless of who he looks like, he has the sweetest little face!

I finally started my registry this weekend at Babies R Us with my friend Lourdes, who had a baby in May.  Thank goodness she was with me because I never would've thought of half the stuff I will need and probably would've only had ten items on my list.  It took two and a half hours, even though we went through the store pretty fast.  She would tell me things like "you'll definitely need that, don't waste your money on that, these are good and you need to register for multiple ones" and I just followed behind her scanning the color of the items I liked that she recommended.  I still need to edit the registry, since the bouncy swing and seat didn't seem to make it on there and I have multiple crib bedding sets.  I think I might even just register for a dush ruffle, sheets and blanket separately.  She told me he won't even use the blanket for awhile and you just hang it on the crib for decoration.  At almost $200 for a set, I don't really need a blanket for decoration!  Plus I don't have a theme for the nursery; I'm just picking out colors and designs I like.  Lee and I still need to go pick out a stroller and car seat, but I'm secretly glad he didn't go with me to do the majority of the registry.  Last night he looked at the list, commented on how many owl items there were (he wants a true boy theme like bikes on sports) and told me we need to put this UFO loooking space bouncer on our registry that was over $200!  I told him we can get a bouncy seat and a swing for $150; I can't remember his response verbatim last night, but he basically told me I don't always need to be so practical.

For those that don't know, my cousin Julie, who I mentioned in my last post, had her sweet baby on Thanksgiving Day!  Caroline was scheduled to come out the Tuesday after (a couple weeks before Julie's due date), but apparently had plans of her own!  Caroline had surgery on her back the next day to close the gap from spina bifida, and despite an infection, seems to be doing very well!  Please continue to keep their family in your prayers!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and is excited as me for Christmas time (my most favorite holiday)!

XOXO,
Chelle

Little Kingston has grown a lot in the past month and in a few days I will officially be halfway through pregnancy!  It's hard to believe how fast time has flown.  Pregnancy is still going well, minus recent back pain.  Going on a month now, I have had pain in my right mid upper back, that I just associated with normal aches and pains of standing on my feet all day at my job.  My OB said it probably is due to the weight of my pregnancy, even though I'm not that big yet.  It got progressively worse last week and I was in tears at work.  I took last Friday off and have been taking it easy ever since.  I've been living on a heating pad, tried icy hot patches, a handheld massager and even a muscle relaxer prescribed by my OB (safe for baby as long as I don't take it very often) and haven't gotten much relief.  There is no one to cover my positions at work, so I had to let the doctor I work for know I HAVE to sit; it's either sit or not work.  My back hasn't been as bad this week, only because I sit as much as I can while scribing.  I even grabbed a stool to sit in the lab when relaxing tissue during Mohs surgery and did some odd stretching/squatting positions while doing build-ups for my cases and making slides.  Hopefully Friday the PT can offer me some good advice and helpful stretches and exercises to strengthen my back because everyone is telling me it only gets worse!

The back pain has been a bit frustrating and I've been a little down not being able to do my normal activities.  It just isn't in my nature to take it easy.  I think that has been the hardest part of pregnancy; learning patience with my body and listening when it tells me to relax.  I asked my doctor last week about brief sharp pains I was having on the lower right side of my abdomen and she said it was normal and probably my ligaments stretching.  It's amazing how much your body grows and changes to accommodate life inside you!

I have otherwise felt great and know I am very lucky.  It's already getting to be a little challenging doing simple tasks like getting up when I'm in a relaxed position, shaving and so forth because of my rapidly growing belly.  I've even had friends say they've noticed growth in me day by day, and I have been told I have a pregnancy walk now.  Lee still puts his face right up to my belly and talks to Kingston, which I love!  I can see why women say they love being pregnant; there is a lot of excitement in watching yourself grow!  I am being a little impatient waiting to feel Kingston's first movement.  I may have already felt it, but don't know what I'm looking for.  I've heard it can feel anywhere from a flutter, gas bubbles, hunger pains, etc.  My OB told me I'd be feeling movement in the next week or so.

Next week is our big 20 week ultrasound where they look at all of the anatomy.  I'm so excited to see how big he's grown and a bit anxious, hoping everything looks normal.  My last ultrasound showed perfect growth in him.  The specialist mentioned something about my low lying placenta on my last ultrasound, but said it's too soon to worry.  I held out for as long as I could, then started googling and found out that is a sign of placenta previa, which has all different types of severity.  Obviously I had to read about all the types and stressed myself out a little, but my OB told me she's pretty sure it will move because it's posterior, which is a good thing.  Hopefully they can tell it has moved next week.

My OB also read my surgical notes from my past myomectomy and cleared me to have a vaginal child birth!  I will still prepare myself of the possibility of delivering by cesarean, but very relieved I have an option at this point.

My friend is going to help me start a registry this weekend at Babies R Us.  She has a 6 month old and can guide me as to what products are good and which ones to avoid.  Otherwise, I'll go blindly in there scanning everything that looks pretty!

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great Thanksgiving!  Please keep little Kingston in your prayers, and please add to your prayers my cousin Julie.  She tentatively has a c-section scheduled for early December, but is going weekly to UVA to monitor her baby and if anything changes, Caroline will make her grand entrance early.

XOXO,
Chelle

Boy, oh boy... It's a BOY!!!

 
Today's ultrasound went well and baby Stewart, who we can now call Kingston, is looking good!  The doctor told me it's still too early to see everything clearly, but so far everything looks normal.  I go back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound and they'll be able to see the anatomy better (which is typically done at 20 weeks).

We are overjoyed to finally learn the sex!  So far, my motherly intuitions have been accurate; I knew it would be a boy.  I bought my first gender specific baby item on the way home tonight... an infant pair of DC shoes (which are skater shoes).  I told Lee if this child is anything like him, I'm in deep trouble!

XOXO,
Chelle

My appointment Wednesday with Dr. M went well, and it gave me a huge breath of relief to hear the little one's heart beat again.  It was normal, 150 bpm.  I think baby Stewart knows when my appointments are because he/she seems to be awake every time.  When Dr. M found the heart beat, I started to tear up and she held my arm with a huge smile as if to say "everything is okay."  I really love her and felt calm after my appointment, just the way I always did with my IVF doctor.

I'll have appointments with Dr. M every 2 weeks until around 34 weeks (I've already scheduled myself up to week 30) and will have my ultrasounds done with the specialists from Stanford every 6-8 weeks (I'm going to push for 6).  My next ultrasound will be this Friday, October 30th, and all that really matters is the baby appear healthy and growing.  I am not-so-secretly though hoping for an added bonus of learning the gender.  Someone told me to drink OJ before my appointment as the sugar will make the baby move and hopefully reveal its stuff!  

It's a good thing pregnancy lasts 9 months because we need all the time we can get to prepare.  We are trying to fix this house up before baby comes and very slowly making progress.  As money comes in from Lee's sidework we are putting it towards projects.  We ordered all except two new windows for the house and bought two ceiling fans for the office and baby's room this weekend.  Of course when I say "we" I mostly mean Lee!  I'm the designer as he says; I tell him what I envision and he makes it happen.  It's a pretty good deal!  I'm still trying to decide between a few different paint colors for most of the house, but I'm in love with a faint blueish-green (almost seafoam, but not quite) color called "sea salt" that we both agree on for the baby's room, whether boy or girl.  I think it'll look nice with the white crib/changing table I have in mind.  I've managed to stock pile around 600 diapers so far, and hope by the time the baby comes I won't need to buy any for a very long time!  Being "Mrs. Planny" as Lee calls me does have its benefits.  

I'm feeling really good these days minus headaches here and there and some growing pains.  I felt a bit crampy a good part of Friday and Saturday and looked down at my belly last night in shock!  I could see a big difference!  My tummy is starting to poke out of my scrubs and people are noticing at work... and I love it!  I love watching it grow and am constantly amazed at this whole process.  Lee reaches out to touch my belly often; it's one of the most precious times a couple can go through.  He's still being very nurturing and always asking if I'm okay or if I need anything.  

Lee has been complaining for awhile of groin pain and saying he can't cross his left leg over his right.  I finally convinced him that wasn't normal and to go to the doctor.  Our PCP thinks he tore a groin muscle and has ordered a MRI (which is taking forever to schedule).  If he's right, Lee will have to have orthoscopic surgery.  Fingers crossed it is nothing big and something he can recover fast from!

I hope everyone is doing well, and I'll update after my ultrasound on Friday.  

XOXO,

Chelle

It's amazing what a difference a week makes.  Last week I felt as if my heart was actually broken inside and was so overcome with sadness I couldn't speak at times.  I would just sit, stare and cry (and wonder "Why??").  I allowed myself a pity party for a few days, then decide enough was enough.  I am so unbelievably lucky to still have one baby left and I have to focus on them.  I also keep reminding myself that God never gives us more than we can handle.  I started to do everything I could think of to get myself excited again for pregnancy.  After posting our news on Facebook, I posted a belly shot and started looking at my profile every day in the mirror.  I rub my belly each day and talked to our sweet baby, while praying and grieving for the one who passed.  I still cry for our lost angel, but the crying has significantly diminished.  On Wednesday I went for my continued appointment with Dr. M (to finish up the appointment previously that was side tracked last week by the shocking news); Dr. M was out sick that day so Dr. Doherty saw me, who I had also heard amazing things about and loved as much as Dr. M.  I heard the baby's heartbeat on a doppler and it was normal, with 150bpm.  I can't tell you the relief I felt and will always feel when I see and/or hear that baby and know they are okay!  I was also able to ask all the questions I had been wanting to ask previously and left the office feeling a huge sigh of relief and excitement.  I felt a very euphoric feeling after that appointment and a lot of my anxiety and worry has been calmed.

I'm obviously hyper-sensitive and scared to death of losing the other, and still worry and am anxious (that's just in my nature), but that is to be expected.  I'm trying to be excited as I can while being optimistically cautious.  It's helped me heal talking to those who have gone through the same loss and made me realize how lucky I am that both weren't lost.  Lee has started talking to my tummy more, which I absolutely love!  He puts his hand on my stomach some nights and says "goodnight, Kingston!"  I told him he's in for a rude awakening if that child is born with a vagina!  He would be equally stoked with a girl, but I think a girl puts a lot of fear in him.  He's pointed to several teenage girls out in public wearing next to nothing and said "See?  That is why we can't have a girl!" 

After my appointment with the genetic counselor the same day I had my ultrasound with the specialist (Lee was there for the ultrasound, not the counseling session), I was telling Lee what the genetic counselor reviewed with me over dinner.  I told him the amniocentesis test was brought up again and we still have 6-7 weeks to decide, but need to have it done by week 20 if we decide to do it.  When I told him we didn't need to discuss it that night, he had a very puzzled look on his face.  I said "Okay, I guess we can discuss it now."  Before we even started IVF, Lee has always had a very strong opinion for years on not bringing a child into this world if we know they will have chromosomal abnormalities.  His argument has always been the stress and financial burden will be too much to handle since we'll have to be their caregivers for life.  I know this is a sensitive subject for some of you and hope you don't pass judgement on Lee.  A lot of people feel this way and some may not be able to handle parenting a baby with Down Syndrome, etc. 

I was shocked when the next thing that came out of his mouth was "Why would we do the amniocentesis?  It's too risky and it's not like it would change anything."  After I picked my jaw up from the table, I reminded him about the strong stance he's always had on the subject.  He replied with "Well, things change!"  I smiled and told him fatherhood has already changed him.  I'm so happy to hear we are in total agreement with not doing the amniocentesis, and both feel God will give us what we are meant to have.  Dr. D asked again if we had decided to do that test at my appointment this week, and after telling her we declined, she said "good, I wouldn't either, it's too risky."  Finally... FINALLY a doctor who gave an opinion!  I know it's a fine line for doctors to avoid giving their strong opinions sometimes and instead give patients all the facts and risk vs benefit for them to decide.  I felt like 1 in 200 was too high of a risk of complications and possible miscarrying the baby with an amniocentesis, but ever doctor has told me I have to decide for myself. 

Anyway, that's one less thing I have to stress about and Dr. D was going to research to see if I am a candidate for a blood test that is offered in the second trimester.  It's not a diagnostic blood test, but will give me a risk factor of our baby having Down Syndrome.

My next appointment with Dr. M is in two weeks (who I'll probably see every two weeks for the rest of my pregnancy, which is fine with me!!) and I think my next ultrasound with the specialist is around the week of the 20th.  I have got to start carrying my organizer!  I used to be able to keep everything in the calendar in my head, but pregnancy brain is no joke and I'm forgetting very easily.  A couple good things did come out of the loss of the twin.  I feel like I'm finally giving myself a break on the things I was stressing about like forgetting easily, not having energy, etc.  I've finally realized I'm going to forget, I'm going to be exhausted at times, the house is probably going to be messy more often than not and I'm not going to feel like always cooking and that's all normal and expected.  I'm putting myself and the baby first and letting go of all the silly things I was stressing over.  I feel like I wasn't handling the stress of having two very well and feel more confident in raising one now.  Like Lee said, we'll be able to spoil one easier and one will be a lot less stressful while we're both figuring out the new world of parenting. 

I am 14 weeks today and officially in my second trimester!  I've been told by friends I should start to feel the baby soon, which will at first feel like a flutter from a butterfly.  I absolutely can't wait to feel them!

Please continue your prayers for our sweet baby!

XOXO,
Chelle

My ultrasound went well today and they confirmed I have two separate sacs and placentas, which puts me at a much lower risk of miscarrying the other baby.  Yesterday and last night were a blur and today is a little clearer.  My ultrasound was so rushed yesterday, so I requested pictures of both the healthy baby (baby A) and deceased one (baby B) today. 

Call it women's intuition or mother's intuition now, but I knew something was wrong yesterday morning.  I got out of the shower, looked at my belly and noticed it was substantially smaller.  I got on the scale and my weight had plummeted to 116lb (it was 120.5 two days prior).  I went into panic and told Lee something was wrong.  He was annoyed I was so quick to jump to a conclusion and we actually got in a fight about it.  He told me last night he won't doubt me when it comes to pregnancy again.  I knew when I was pregnant, I knew it was twins, and yesterday I knew something was wrong. 

I have felt friend's and family's pain over news of the loss of their pregnancy, but until you experience it, it's really hard to understand.  There is an indescribable sadness knowing something that was once thriving inside you is no longer.  I cried to Dr. Moreno (my new doctor) yesterday that I had done this; it was my fault.  I told her I've been crying a lot, very anxious and sad, and the stress of it all was too much for my baby.  She assured me, as did the specialist this morning and genetic counselor I saw this afternoon, that this was not my doing.  There is about a 20% risk of losing one with twin pregnancy and baby B passed away around 9 weeks.  I talked to her about my depression and we decided it was best for me to start Wellbutrin again, which is an anti-depressant.  We went over the risks of taking it while pregnant, but most of the risk (though low and not very accurately studied) are things that happen in the early stages of pregnancy, which I am past.  I talked more about it with the genetic counselor and she made me feel better about taking it.  She went over all the data associated with pregnancy risks.  I am going to take it in the meantime, and probably try to ween off of it before my third trimester.  My depression very well may subside just by the reduced hormones I have in my body now.

There were some genetic screening tests I had scheduled for next week, but now those aren't an option for me as my hormones will throw off the results.  They did do a nuchal translucency scan this morning which measures the pressure on the back of the baby's head, but it's only about 20% accurate in determining if a baby has Down Syndrome.  Fortunately the measurement was normal today.  I now have about 6-7 weeks to determine if I want to do an amniocentesis.  I follow up with my OB doctor next week to continue the appointment that was overshadowed by yesterday's news and I will see the specialist again for an ultrasound in 4 weeks just for peace of mind.  I already love my new OB doctor and am so glad she was the one who was there to console me yesterday.

Lee has been great and is holding up well; he said he's more concerned about me.  He rushed to me yesterday after hearing the news from the sonographer and made it there while I was still seeing my doctor.  I know I will be okay, it will just take time.  Even with all my stress and anxiety of having two, I wanted them both so badly and love them both.  As someone close told me, they take a part of you when you lose them and that is so true!  Both doctors told me a lot of time when one passes, it is usually due to a lot of chromosomal abnormalities, so it is probably a blessing.  Still, baby B was perfect in my eyes and I'm heartbroken I will not get to meet them. 

Lee came with me to my ultrasound this morning and we were able to see baby A move around a lot.  They very active with their hands and feet and Lee and I joked that they were doing a lot of moves that Lee does.  It provided much needed smiles and laughs for us!

Thank you all for your outpouring of text and emails.  It is helping me get through this very hard time!

Love,
Chelle

 Rest in peace, sweet little Baby B

 Baby A, so big and real!

Thank you to all that have emailed or texted in the past week.  I'm sorry that I haven't responded as it's been a bad week for me emotionally.  Today was worse.  My ultrasound showed I lost one of the twins.  I see a specialist in the morning for an ultrasound to confirm the type of twins that I had.  If I have two sacs, two placentas, which they think, I'm at a lower risk for miscarrying the other one, but regardless, my risk is higher now.  I think I'll be okay; I just need time to grieve the loss of them.  I can't even begin to describe the feeling of seeing how small they were on the ultrasound vs the size of the other.  I am simply devastated.  Please pray for the remaining baby, that they grow strong and I'm able to sustain the rest of the pregnancy.

Love,
Chelle

Sorry for the delay in posting!  I've been totally exhausted and in a bit of a funk lately.  I'll get to that in a second, but first...

My appointment went well on Monday with Dr. R!  Twin A caught up with Twin B, and both have good growth and heartbeat!  Twin A's heartbeat (which originally was low) is now up to 171, while B's is 181.  The range they need to be in is anywhere from 120 to 190.  They even look so much larger than our last ultrasound pictures 2 weeks ago!  Dr. Ramirez released me of his care that day, and I almost cried!  Even if my cycle had not resulted in pregnancy, I am so grateful for the wonderful care I received there and can't say enough good things about the staff!  I only wish Dr. R did OB appointments as well and could follow me the rest of my pregnancy!  I hugged all their staff when I left and promised to bring the babies in once they are born.  Lee and I went out for dinner to celebrate afterwards, and Lee kept saying "twins it is!"  It's definitely set in now.

Rewind 2 weeks ago to Grammy's memorial service; we had family and friends in town, some that we haven't seen in probably 6-10 years!  The memorial service was beautiful, followed by a reception and ended with a small service at the graveside for just family.  That afternoon and night we all gathered at Ken & Lynn's house, ate dinner and had a very fun time!  On the way home, I kept commenting about what a great day it had been!  Just as I said that a dog ran across Route 1 from the other side, jumped over the median and started coming toward our lane.  Lee was already going slow, hit the breaks and I shut my eyes and prayed.  When I heard the thump I screamed and sobbed.... all the way home and even into the next day.  I know it wasn't our fault and it was nothing we could do, but it devastated me.  It was dark and there was nowhere to pull over.  Paul and Leandra were following us and said the dog died on impact.  I felt emotionally hungover all weekend from it and it quickly brought me into a depressive state.

My spirits were lifted a couple days later at my appointment with Dr. R, and it was so good to see them on the ultrasound, but prior to that week I had been already fighting the stress and anxiety of raising two.  I hope it's just normal, first-time mother worries, but I have really been racking my brain with how exactly we are going to raise two children.  A co-worker told me to expect daycare to be about $1500 a month.  That's just daycare!  That doesn't include diapers, formula and all the other added stuff babies need (not to mention all the things we are going to have to buy to prepare for baby... times two!).  I also know absolutely nothing about babies and it petrifies me to think Lee will have to be working overtime and doing side work all the time to afford these guys while I navigate blindly on how to raise them.  I've literally changed 3 diapers in my life and they have been the cute little pee-pee ones.  When I hold babies it's awkwardly because I can't figure out how to hold them properly so they and I are comfortable.

Wednesday was my first appointment with my obstetrician, which ended up being with another doctor than who I was referred to.  It was the only way they could get me in to establish care quicker as per Dr. R's instructions.  The doctor was young (mid 40's?), peppy and very nice.  I told Lee he didn't need to go since he had taken off early Monday for my appointment.  I thought "I'm a medical assistant, I can handle all the information."  How wrong I was!

She started the appointment off congratulating me then asking if twins ran in my family.  I told her I didn't, and that we did IVF, which is why I have two.  She told me she didn't see in the notes from Dr. R's office if there is one or two sacs and proceeded to tell me ALL about the different type of twin pregnancies.  I thought it was just identical (monozygotic) or fraternal (dizygotic), but apparently they can have separate gestational sacs, placentas and amniotic fluid or share some or all of these.  She doesn't know if the two that were transferred both implanted, or if one implanted and split, thus going into great detail about all the possibilities.  At first I thought "Identical twins?  That would be cool! until she got the part about if they share the placenta there is a fifty percent mortality rate.  I said "fifteen?"  No "fifty, 5-0."  I started to cry.  She then went into to all the different testing I could have to diagnose genetic disorders like Down Syndrome, which apparently I'm at an increased risk because of my age AND having twins.  She went into detail about all the risk of amniocentesis.  I knew there were risks, but to hear them all right there on top of all the different information she dumped on me was overwhelming to say the least.

I left thinking "okay, I have a lot to think about," but as the day went on everything came crashing down on me.  I've already been so down on myself for being so tired and not cooking, cleaning, playing with the dogs enough, eating bad food, combined with the stress of how the hell are we going to raise twins?  By Friday I was so down I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I went to work, did MOHS that morning (without saying a peep) and fortunately my supervisor let me stay in another building that afternoon and just do phone calls.  I didn't have to face any patients, shoot the bull with co-workers and was happy being in seclusion.

This weekend has been a little better, mostly because Lee has been home.  He took yesterday and today off (he's been working 7 days a week for a long time now) and I didn't realize how much I need to have my partner here.  We took the dogs on a hike yesterday, for a walk on the beach and had no plans or time limit to anything.  Lee has been trying to help me let go of all the stress, but I explained to him if someone took all his energy away it would be very tough adjustment at first.  He has helped a lot with cleaning this weekend, which is making me feel a little more orderly in my mind. 

I am trying my best to push all the negative out and I know the week coming up with family at the beach, and a vacation from work, is exactly what I need!  I went to Costco today and bought already prepared dinners for this upcoming week.  I have no energy to cook and I'm tired of eating crap, so this was a good compromise.  I also bought my first box of diapers!  I told Lee he's going to need to clean out a big section of the garage just for diapers.  I'm slowly trying to research ratings on the best products for strollers, car seats, breast pumps, etc which is a bit daunting!  I found a lengthy review on a breast pump with accessories from a RN who works for an OB-Gyn AND has twins.  I told Lee I have no idea what all the accessories she recommended do, but I added them all to our registry.  She's got to know what she's talking about, right?

I'm 9 weeks as of Friday and my due date is April 8th (I thought it was the 9th).  My doctor is waiting on my surgical report from my fibroid surgery, but told me she's leaning towards a cesarean for me.  Because of the surgery, scar tissue is weak tissue and I run the risk of tearing my uterus from vaginal birth.  She told me she's going to try to let me go till 38th weeks, but that of course could change.  I did call back Friday and changed my follow-up appointment to the doctor I had originally wanted and heard good things about.  I'm supposed to be getting a call from a high risk specialist to do an ultrasound soon and determine what type of twin pregnancy I am, and go through the genetic disorder testing with me (hopefully more calmly) and perform the tests if I choose them. 

Hope everyone is having a great labor-free Labor Day weekend!

XOXO,
Chelle

I don't even know how to start this posting, so I'll just say it.  Today's ultrasound showed TWO BABIES!!!  TWINS... DOS... DOUBLES!!  I'm in shock, but I'm not surprised... I had a feeling there would be two!  I can't stop giggling tonight; I'm hysterically laughing as I type this!  Fortunately, Lee was with me at the appointment.  After the initial "oh my gosh!!" I started sobbing and was so glad he was there to hold my hand.  He was smiling from ear to ear!

One of the babies, "Twin A" only had a heart rate of 86 BPM, while "Twin B" had a BPM of 116.  They want the beats-per-minute to be over 100, and Dr. R said it's too early to tell.  It could be that Twin A implanted a little later than B and he/she is younger, or this could mean there is something wrong.  The next ultrasound in 2 weeks will tell, and at that time my rate of miscarrying goes from 40% to 5% then!  It's going to be a looong 2 weeks!!  Like Dr. R said, don't count Twin A out yet!  I really think he/she will make it! 

Okay, I'm going to end this early because I am exhausted from all the wonderful news!!!  Please say double prayers for our double joys!

Love,
Chelle

Pregnancy is going great!  After a couple weeks of very minimal nausea and other side effects, the nausea is starting to set in.  I was coasting along thinking I'm going to be one of those women who has no side effects!  I realized after I started reading a book called "Pregnancy 411" that it's too early for the side effects.  I found out I was pregnant when most people don't yet know!  I'm 5 weeks as of yesterday, and according to the book, the side effects really start around 8 weeks.  I wonder if the early symptoms are a precursor for a difficult pregnancy or if this is bad as it gets.  Time will tell!  All I know is yesterday I had a full waking day of nausea that was never relieved!  Telling myself "nausea is a good thing, nausea is a good thing!" is getting me through it!  I'll gladly except 9 months of nausea for a healthy baby... but you may want to avoid me during those months!

I have to do a little bragging on my dog, Banjo.  We've been doing injections every day for about six weeks now (my hips are not happy!) and up until 2 weeks ago we would kick the dogs out of the bathroom or bedroom while Lee administered them.  The dogs don't like to be separated from us by a door, so they would always whine and paw at the door.  Two weeks ago, they made their way to the bed and I told Lee it'll be fine, that I'll just hold on to Banjo so he doesn't attack him (he playfully attacks Lee sometimes when he hugs me or smacks my butt!).  Banjo just sat there, watching Lee patiently and curiously and since that night he has been my little support system.  As I walk to the bed to lay down for my nightly injection, Banjo beats me to it and lays down at the bottom of the bed.  I lay on him, hugging him while I get injected.  I know he feels my anxiety each time, and lays patiently, always with his eyes on Lee.  Last night, as I was walking to the bed, he was already laying there and rolled over on his back in such an adorable, submissive manor!  I laid down and hugged him; afterwards he always gives me a kiss after I tell him "good boy!"  He trots off afterwards looking so proud of himself!  It's amazing how therapeutic dogs are!  It'll be interesting to see how they both respond as the pregnancy goes along. 

Lee started his new job on Tuesday and so far, so good!  He breezed through his test on Wednesday and is finally a licensed contractor!  It's been super busy for both of us at work lately and we are counting down the days till our vacation in the Outer Banks in September.  It's funny how vacation always comes when you need it most!

Please say a little prayer that my ultrasound goes well on Monday and everything will look as it should!  Hopefully I'll be able to find out how many babies are brewing inside me!

XOXO,
Chelle

My final pregnancy test was done on Wednesday (I did a total of 4) and my ultrasounds are scheduled for August 17th and August 31st.  I believe on the 17th I'll be able to find out how many babies are in my belly!  It's been really hard to keep quiet about my pregnancy; I want to shout it from the rooftop!!  I got a letter this weekend saying all my medications can be stopped on September 11th, which is PERFECT timing!!  That's the day we leave for the East Coast for a week at the beach with family and I thought I was going to have to bring all my meds, syringes, sharps container, etc.  I haven't cried in awhile from the injections, but Lee is running out of room.  I have so many knots in my hip/butt area!  Banjo has been my little supporter with the injections; I lay on the bed and he either sits down on front of me and I hold onto him or he lays down and I'll hug him while Lee sticks me.  It's so sweet how he can sense something is stressful and is there to comfort me.

I've been wanting to update my blog for a few days, but have been so tired!  I have zero energy lately and it's been a bit frustrating.  I want to crawl straight into bed when I get home at 6:30, but I have dinner to cook and dogs to entertain, so I don't have that option which is probably a good thing.  Lee's been working 12 hour days, 7 days a week for awhile, so dinners are up to me.  My in-laws have been great and have fed us a lot lately, which has been nice!  I've been told your energy comes back in your second trimester, so I'm trying to be patient.  I read recently it's crucial to keep up with exercise when pregnant for the baby's brain so I need to figure out a way to incorporate walks each day, which is about all the exercise I'm allowed now.  With the research I've done on pregnancy, I've realized I have so much to learn and I'm awaiting several books I ordered on pregnancy and the baby's first year.  I want to do everything right for that baby(s)!

Other than the tiredness (and constipation, which sucks, but I won't go into that!) I'm feeling really good!  Last Sunday, while sitting in church, one lady was asking for prayers for her vertigo and as she was talking I was trying to figure out why I felt like I had vertigo as well!  That night we ate dinner at Ken & Lynn's and I was dizzy again.  I googled dizziness and pregnancy and learned it is common and means your blood vessels are expanding.  Apparently it's a very common symptom according to friends, but I had never heard of it!  My father-in-law made ribs that night, which is my favorite thing he grills, but nausea hit me right before dinner and I didn't have much of an appetite.  Since Sunday I've only had very miniscule nausea that occurs only if I don't eat often, and mild dizziness. 

Anxiety has been probably the worst side effect for me, and I'm not sure if I worry more now or I'm just more aware of it.  When I feel myself getting stressed, I take slow deep breaths and I've noticed myself doing that a lot lately.  I know worrying only does harm and things are out of my control, but I can't help but worry often if the baby is still alive, doing well, getting enough nutrients, etc.  I don't want to rush time, but I can't wait for my first ultrasound to see it/them and know everything appears well.  I feel more comforted when I have cramping, nausea or dizziness; I feel like it's my body telling me "yes, Michelle, you're still pregnant!"

As many of you know, Lee's grandmother passed away on Tuesday.  She lived a very long life and has been ready to go for some time, but we all miss her.  Last Sunday, I passed by her room thinking she was asleep and her caregiver said "I think she's calling for you, is your name Sue?"  I went into her room and she was awake and smiling.  I told her hello and kissed her.  I said "I guess you've heard the news, we're pregnant!"  I'll never forget how much her face lit up then; she seemed so happy!  Her caregiver said "that's the first thing she told me when I got here yesterday."  I had to hold back tears!  I wish she would be here to meet our baby(s), but I am so happy she knew we were expecting before she passed away. 

Keep your prayers going for baby(s) Stewart!  My birthday is October 1st, which is one day short of the last day of my first trimester!  Last Friday was my 4 week pregnancy mark and my due date is April 9th.  I'm going to officially announce my pregnancy on my birthday!  I couldn't ask for a better gift this year!!!

Love,
Chelle

Yesterday was a whirlwind!  I went to the hospital, beside my work, and had my blood test done by 10am; plenty of time for my doctor's office to get the results before they closed at 1pm.  The lady who drew my blood said the results would be ready within the hour.  I was in clinic at work the rest of the morning and constantly checked my phone in between patients.  By noon I was getting worried!  I told my head nurse "something's not right, why haven't they called me?!"  She explained they are probably like us and crazy busy.  I jokingly told her she was wrong, that's it's all about me, and their sole responsibility that day was getting my results.  I finally couldn't take it anymore so I called my coordinator at 12:30pm.  She had just called the hospital ten minutes prior and the results weren't ready!  I instantly was worried I wouldn't get the results that day!  Then she told me "I can tell you that your test on Wednesday was positive, your levels were really high, so you're pregnant!"  I think I responded with "Oh my gosh!!" in a surprised tone!  I wasn't really surprised, just wanted to know if they were sure!

A couple of people asked me this week if I feel pregnant.  I told them it's too soon to have symptoms, and thought I have no idea what being pregnant even feels like, but I sensed I was.  I was a little sad that my breast pain went away after the follicle stimulating hormones and I had no other symptoms to indicate I was.  I should be careful what I wish for!!  On Thursday, while I was getting ready around 6am, all of a sudden a huge wave of nausea and a hot flash came over me and I had to stop what I was doing and go outside to cool down.  I was in shorts and a tank top, and even the cool morning air wasn't cool enough for me.  The nausea sort of went away, but I couldn't finish my coffee.  That morning at work I kept getting mild waves of nausea that were relieved by eating little bites of fruit here and there.  I told Lee I'd be surprised if my test was negative and his response was "the nausea could be from anything!"  Mr. Optimist had suddenly turned into Mr. Pessimist!  I kept telling him to "think positive!"  I think he didn't want to get his hopes up and wasn't going to believe it until it was confirmed.

Once I got off the phone with my coordinator, I immediately called Lee to tell him the partial news.  I told him my test was positive from Wednesday, but they were waiting on the results from that day, and as long as my numbers are still going up, then I am pregnant.  He yelled "woohoo!" then said "I have to go, I'm in the middle of a work crisis."  Work crisis?!  Hello, I said we are PREGNANT!!!  I learned later he was at a job with several workers, standing outside a locked house because no one told the homeowners they were going to be there that day and he had to figure out what to do with each guy.  He told me to call him when I heard back from Karen, so once I heard, I texted him and said my levels are even higher.  I didn't want to call him again because he seemed stressed, so I thought a text was best.  I sent the group text to him and my mother about the second result and he asked if that meant we were having twins.  I told him not necessarily and I'll explain later.  My mother and I proceeded to talk in Emojicons.  When I got home to greet him he asked "so are you pregnant?  I don't understand pictures."  He didn't understand that my high level of HCG that day meant I was pregnant (even though I thought I had explained it well), and I guess he needed to hear "I'm definitely pregnant!"  I told him he should've called me!  Here I am telling my closest friends and family and my husband didn't even fully understand?!

We didn't do any big celebration last night (I was exhausted from all the happy emotions), but we hugged a bunch, made dinner together and relaxed.  We already referred to each other as "Mama" and "Daddy" with the dogs, but we started calling each other "Baby Mama" and "Baby Daddy."  We talked about when the due date would be if we had one baby or two, and about how cool it would be to have twins, but we'd be happy with just one.  Realization started to set in, and we talked about how much we have to do in 8-9 months!  Our kitchen is our biggest stress (nasty, broken tile, gross old cabinets, spaces between things where we've removed cabinets or appliances, a stove sitting by itself without a cabinet, a huge gap between the old tile and new hardwood we laid, etc) and we somehow have to figure out how to have it done before baby!  We finally agreed we'd "figure it out" and went back to the happy celebratory state!

There has been so much good news lately in our lives it seems God is answering prayer after prayer!  Lee hasn't been happy with his job for a long time and the commute has been killing him (plus our finances!).  Out of the blue last week, he got a call from a contractor who is located in Scotts Valley (where his parent's live) who wanted to interview him.  He was given Lee's resume by the designer of Lee's parent's kitchen after Lee renovated it two years ago.  Lee had an interview with him on Tuesday evening and was told Wednesday morning he got the job!!  This contractor has been in business about ten years, mostly works in Santa Cruz County (i.e. close to home!) and has so much work he's having to turn down some.  We checked him out online and he has proper licensing and a clean record.  He is starting Lee at the same pay he was making "over the hill" as we call it, in San Jose and after six months, he starts accumulating vacation time!  His current boss started doing that two years ago, but it only lasted for six months so any time Lee has to take off, it's unpaid.  Lee is taking his test in three weeks for his contractor's license, and was going to wait until the after the test to look for another job, but this one fell into his lap!  Lee's a bit overwhelmed by everything right now.  On top of this, he's currently renovating his parent's bathrooms after work and on weekends.  Even though it's all good news, I think his already scattered brain is overloaded!

Hopefully once he starts his new job and takes his test he will settle down.  I myself have been in a state of euphoria since the transfer and hope I can continue this feeling!  I went back to work on Wednesday after having an anxious day on Tuesday and completely dreading returning, but it hasn't been so bad.  There is so much drama/tension/anger/stress with people there and the vibe isn't good, but I'm trying to keep myself in a bubble and not let other's drama get to me because it has nothing to do with me.  My baby(s) is the most important thing right now, and I'm making sure to take care of myself.  I allow myself one cup of coffee in the morning (which my doctor said was totally fine) and only take medications prescribed by my doctor, plus prenatal vitamins and extra folic acid.  I'm allowed to take Zyrtec, but have been trying to only take it a few times a week.  I haven't had wine in weeks and the break from drinking feels nice (but I do still crave it!).  I already drink plenty of water and I stocked up on ginger ale, which I think will be my new best friend if/when the nausea hits.

I believe my doctor said once the pregnancy tests are done (I have another tomorrow and my final one on Tuesday) I'll be able to lift over ten pounds.  Banjo has done great getting himself in and out of the truck, but Kazoo is another story.  Even though she can launch in and out of Lee's big truck with no problem, she looks at me with her big doe eyes as if to say "carry me, Mom" when she's in mine.  I've spoiled her too much, but I do miss carrying her around!  Lee has gotten better at the injections, but it's hard to believe I have 7-9 weeks left of them!  After the first few days of absolutely dreading the injections and severe pain, all of a sudden I could barely feel them going in and the pain afterwards wasn't there.  I got a little cocky after that thinking they would no longer hurt, until Lee hit a nerve and numbness went down my leg.  Some days I don't feel it, some days I yell in pain.  I have knots in both hips and currently my right cheek feels like I'm carrying a ten pound painful weight in it, but it's all manageable and totally worth it!!!  I know he will be relieved once we're done with injections!

Thanks to all who congratulated me yesterday, hugged me, praised God with me and cried with me!!  I have been waiting so long to be able to say "I'm pregnant!" and it felt good, although still so surreal.  Every time I think about it I smile, and every time I speak about it, I cry!  I know I have a ways to go until I'm officially in the "safe zone" in three months, and until then, it isn't Facebook official, just our little secret!

Please continue to keep our sweet baby(s) in your prayers and pray that they continue to grow healthy and strong!

Love,
Chelle

I don't have the time right now to write a lengthy post, but I don't want to delay the news... (drum roll please)... I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They are IN!

When we arrived at Dr. R's office this morning our coordinator passed by and told us the embryos look good and he's having a hard time choosing which ones to transfer!  A good problem to have, huh?  Dr. R consulted with us on our embryos, which are graded from 1-3 (1 being the best); grades 1 and 2 get women pregnant, with grade 3 there is a significant drop in pregnancy.  I had one grade 3, which isn't usable, but all of the others were grades 1 or 2!  He also consulted with us on how many to transfer.  The national guidelines say for a person my age, they can only transfer up to two at a time.  After he asked if we were willing to have twins, we asked a couple questions about how difficult is it to carry twins, and if I would carry them to full term.  He said it's a more difficult pregnancy all around, everything is doubled.  I will get bigger faster, being uncomfortable longer, if nauseated it'll be worse.  He said women don't carry twins to full term; usually they are born 4-6 weeks earlier and considered pre-mature, but he said a 34 week old twin is a healthy baby.  Once our questions were answered, we decided on two, which means I have a 60% chance of having twins!

Of the other six embryos left, two had reached blastocyst and were grade 2, (I had to google the definition of it, but in layman's terms means the "development of a blastocyst is a big step for a tiny new organism, and it makes it possible for more growth and change to come") and those are the ones he chose to transfer.  There are four embryos he's going to freeze and one he's going to culture out to see if it makes it; if so, it will be frozen as well.  I can't believe I have so many to freeze!!!

The procedure was done in the ambulatory center downstairs, where the retrieval was done, but instead of using the sterile surgical room, I was in a ER-type room.  They had a TV with calming scenes and music and Lee was able to be with me the whole time.  I accepted their offer of a Valium to relax, which helped.  The procedure was done on a full bladder, but they didn't make me keep it too full so it wasn't very uncomfortable.  I was worried it would be painful since I'm still sore from the retrieval, but it was a piece of cake.  They laid me back on the table, and the procedure was kind of like a pap-smear (women know what I'm talking about; I'll spare the details for the guys).  The embryologist put the two embryos in a catheter and brought them to Dr. R; she said my name aloud to verify those are my embryos and he inserted the catheter into my uterus while being guided by an ultrasound.  It was a very special moment for us.  I cried a little and Lee was right there to hold my hand; it was pretty magical!  After he was done, Dr. R. held my hands and said a prayer for me, which I was so grateful for.  The procedure took no more than 5 minutes, then I was asked to lay still (no coughing, laughing or talking above a whisper) for 30 minutes.

Once the time was up, I got my lab slips for my upcoming pregnancy tests, went to lunch (we were starving!), and I've been at home resting ever since.  I'm supposed to relax and only do light activities for the next three days and nothing too taxing on my body thereafter.  I thought I had to wait two weeks for my first pregnancy test, but the first one will actually be a week from today!  He won't call me until the results are in from my second test on Friday.  If my blood work shows I am pregnant, he'll do two more tests a few days after, and schedule my first ultrasound if my blood tests show my HCG continuing to rise!

I really appreciate everyone's kind words, prayers and support up to this point.  They have gotten me through some pretty emotional times!  This whole process still feels surreal, but I do feel like there is something inside me that I have to protect and take care of now.  Please keep the prayers and positive energy going!  Implant little embryos, IMPLANT!!

Love,
Chelle

Before transfer selfie!

 Ready to welcome the embryos home

 Lee went a little crazy with pics!  Here's the ultrasound machine where he was able to watch the whole procedure

 My two embryos wanted a selfie too!  Here they are pre-transfer

 They are IN!  And apparently named Pellet at this point.  I don't think we'll keep the name!

Got a call from our IVF coordinator that all seven embryos have made it thus far (Go embryos, GO)!!  She said some look better than others, but "that's just a beauty contest."  I didn't have to go in this afternoon, and will do the transfer on Wednesday as scheduled!  We are still hoping there will be embryos to freeze.

I think the little guys and gals are already showing some of our characteristics; stubborn and strong-willed!  I cried tears of join this morning; I am SOOOOOOOOOOO happy!!!!!!!

I am doing really well and the pain is lessoning.  The injections still hurt like crazy, but hopefully I'll get used to the pain.  It's worth every pain, inconvenience, or tear I've shed and would do it all over again in a heartbeat (but hope I don't have to)!

Keep your prayers coming (we feel them!) and the chants going… Grow embryos, GROW!!!

Love,
Chelle

Happy Saturday all!

I just got a call from Karen at Dr. R's office with an update on my eggs!  The two that were under mature did not mature, but of the seven that were mature, all SEVEN fertilized!!!  She said the comments that Dr. R wrote were "Excellent!" so he is very pleased with the results!

My transfer is scheduled for Wednesday at 11am.  I will get a call on Monday morning with an update on the embryo.  There is still a slim chance that I'll need to go in Monday afternoon for the transfer if he feels they are at risk for not making it and would do better in their natural habitat.  If they look good, a day 5 transfer is better.

I am doing well today after sleeping most of the day away yesterday.  I'm sore and definitely feel like something has been done inside of me (a lot less sore today though), but I'm able to move around slowly and am trying to get some chores done.  My butt probably hurts the worst, where I was given an intramuscular injection after the procedure.  My subcutaneous injections are done, and now I'm onto IM injections of Progesterone daily up until the pregnancy test, and afterwards if I am pregnant; a total of 10 weeks.  No pain, no gain, right?

I will update Monday evening!  Keep the prayers and chants going, "Grow embryos, GROW!!"

XOXO,
Chelle

The retrieval is done and I'm happy to report he retrieved 10 eggs!  One of them wasn't mature, so cannot be used.  Two were under mature and may mature today, and seven eggs were mature.  Some will not fertilize and some that fertilize will not make it, so he is hoping to having one or two to transfer.  There is a possibility of having some to freeze… we'll just have to wait and see!

Monday the embryologist will look at the embryo and if they aren't looking good, Lee and I will have to come in for the transfer that day as they likely won't make it to day 5.  If they look good on Monday, he will let them go and transfer on day 5 (Wednesday).

The procedure went well and I'm so happy it's over!  I was very nervous this morning and tearful (these hormones are no joke!) and scared in the surgery room.  His MA Elvira is a sweetheart and told me there are a lot of angels watching over me just before I drifted off to sleep.  The Propofol had me pretty drugged and out of it; after napping I still feel groggy, but so far minimal cramping.  I'm going to hang on the couch or lay in bed today and just relax!

Lee's grandmother just got home from the hospital and my father-in-law says she's alert.  She is now on Hospice care and has been taken off her medications as they weren't really helping.  They were pretty upfront at the hospital and said there's tons of tests they could run, but what good would it do?  It's apparent her body is shutting down.

I will update when I hear something from the fertility clinic!  Please keep our little embryos in your prayers, as well as Grammy!

Love,
Chelle

I laughed when I walked by my dresser this morning and thought "the aftermath!"

I snuck a photo of my retrieval sheet

Trigger Day!!

My estradiol blood test today showed my level had gone up, but not as much as he expected.  If we continued for another day, I would definitely lose my largest follicle (the eggs would over mature) and my smaller follicles wouldn't have enough time to grow to the size needed, so Dr. R decided I am done.    He is hoping/predicting to retrieve six eggs and will hopefully have two or three to transfer.  I will lose some either by naturally dying off or by not fertilizing.  He doesn't anticipate me having any to freeze, which is a bummer.  I was a bit down today after meeting with him, just because of my low yield of eggs.  I was really hoping to have some to freeze as either back-up in case I don't get pregnant on this cycle, or to transfer down the road.  

My mood is better tonight and I keep telling myself "it only takes one."  I'm also a bit relieved my cycle is coming to an end.  I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat, but it's been tough on me, this week especially.  The crying returned Monday after he raised my med dose as did all the other side effects I was having, coupled with work drama (we are short staffed so two people decided to take their stress out of me), plus Lee's grandmother went into the hospital Monday when Ken & Lynn were out of town camping… I was about to lose my mind!  I also didn't have my puppies here to love on.  They were camping with my in-laws, and though it was nice to not have to worry about them this week while I went back and forth to appointments, I realized today I needed them back!  

Lee has been great this week, taking care of myself and his grandmother.  He knew I couldn't have anymore stress, so he solely dealt with talking to the hospital staff and Grammy's caregivers.  She has edema in her legs and has been leaking a lot of fluid.  Her caregiver was concerned she was leaking too much so took her to the ER and they admitted her on Monday.  They ran a bunch of tests, and I don't know the outcome of those, but they recommend getting Hospice involved and recommended she have constant care when she returns home.  

Lee was really good about calming me down this week when I needed.  Last night was the worst; the injection that normally hurts the most almost had me screaming because he injected too fast.  Afterwards, I sobbed and sobbed… and sobbed.  I couldn't stop crying; I had a lot to get out.  

Tonight I did my trigger injection at 9pm and my retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning at 9am.  Please keep us and baby Stewart in your prayers!  We need all we can get!

XOXO,

Chelle

Today's appointment went well, after my doctor gave me a heart attack.  I had blood work this morning, then an ultrasound this afternoon, which was faster than normal.  After he was done he told me to meet him in his office when I was ready.  I sat down across from his desk as he tapped on his keyboard, shaking his head and I could tell he was going to tell me bad news.  I said in the room after he was done with the ultrasound "those follicles look huge!" which he agreed.  He started off the conversation in the office with "when you have follicles that large, it really increases the chance for multiple births, like twins, triplets.  I had a patient like you last month that had quadruplets, and you have to decide if you want to proceed."  My heart SANK!!  Then his assistant appeared in the hallway and got his attention and was telling him something (I couldn't see).  He said "but we're doing IVF.  We're doing IVF."  I could see the light come on and how embarrassed he was.  He had been seeing so many IUI patients all day, that he was thinking I was one of them, and I guess the size my follicles was not a good thing in that case.

Most people may look at this as not a lot of confidence in the doctor, but working in the medical field and knowing the volume of patients we see and all the detail that go into their care, I get it.  I've also had to rescue Dr. C a few times when he's been talking to a patient about their condition and I realize he's talking about the WRONG patient!  We're human, mistakes happen.  I just laughed and told Dr. R "you gave me a heart attack!!  Okay, let's start over!"

So my follicles are a good size and where they need to be and I'm ready, but my blood work show my estradiol level is a little low.  I think he said the estradiol level shows the majority of my eggs.  I asked if there was a risk of my follicles getting too large and he said there was; it's all a balancing act of deciding if to continue another day and risk the eggs in one follicle over maturing, yet gaining mature eggs from 3-4 other smaller follicles, which would be a good trade-off.  I trust his decision and am not going to question it or stress about it.

He wants another blood test so back to the lab I go tomorrow again, before 8am, then I have an appointment with him at noon (then work directly after until 8pm).  Assuming I'm totally ready tomorrow, my trigger shot will be tomorrow night and my retrieval will be Friday.

I can't believe it's so close!!!  It's been a long time coming and it's been an absolutely EXHAUSTING week on so many levels!  I'm so ready!  I'm also ready to maybe have a normal work day Thursday without any appointments.  Driving 130 miles every day this week is getting a bit tiring.

I'll update tomorrow, but it'll probably be just a quickie post.  Keep your chants going "mature eggs, MATURE (but not too much!)"

After a hellish day on Monday that had me in tears, a smile appeared once I got into Monterey (the pics don't do it justice, but the gorgeous view always hits me!)

 No pain, no gain!  The pics also don't give you the full view, but I'm more bruised and WAY more swollen than it appears here!

XOXO,
Chelle

Today's appointment went well.  My estradiol blood test and ultrasound showed I was responding to the meds, but not as much as Dr. R would like.  He has me on a low dose, so he's going to increase my Follistim dose tonight and I will start another injectable medication tomorrow morning.  I will again do blood work tomorrow in the morning and an ultrasound in the afternoon.

My left ovary has six follicles and my right only has four.  He's trying to grow some of the smaller follicles to see if he can get a few eggs out of them, but isn't sure if he'll have time.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll know more!

Until then, let's all chant "grow follicles, GROW!!"

XOXO,
Chelle

I am now six days into injections and so far, so good!  I was worried the steroids were going to make me hyper and not able to sleep, and in fact they are somehow doing the opposite.  I have been so tired I've been taking a little nap after work the past few days.  Thursday I pretty much came home and went straight to bed!  I think I slept ten hours that night and could've slept some more!

I'm also forgetting everything!  My brain is all over the place.  It started Wednesday, just two days after starting my meds, when I tried to shove a basket in a cabinet at work that clearly didn't fit… over and over.  I went to pour a glass of wine this week and poured it into a small bowl I set out for prepping dinner.  I'm normally really great at multi-tasking at work, but I'm so forgetful this week I'm having to triple check my work as I do it.  I got home yesterday, went to check something on my phone and saw that I had completely forgotten about my mammogram that afternoon!  I even asked to leave early from work for it and was approved.  I'm really bummed because I have been stressing over getting it done before I get pregnant (you can't have x-rays while pregnant).  I tentatively rescheduled it for next week, but doubt I'll be able to make it.  Thank goodness this forgetfulness is all short term!

Other than being sleepy and forgetful, which has gotten a tiny bit better since reducing my medication doses on Thursday, I am doing really well!  The side effects actually aren't that bad.  I do feel a little dizzy, and kind of off in general, but it's all manageable.  The doctor's office called me Thursday to tell me my blood test showed I'm responding well to the medications and advised me to continue with the present treatment plan.

Lee is feeling very comfortable with the injections and doing a great job!  The medications injected do hurt, but it's only temporary.  Lee has also been very sweet and attentive lately!  I feel bad laying around not doing much, but he's encouraging me to relax.

We are now only days away from retrieval day!!!  We went hiking today and I told him "we're hopefully going to make a baby this week!"  Monday I have another blood test in the morning then an ultrasound that afternoon.  One of his assistants said he'll know more by then and be able to predict when I'll be ready.  I could go as early as Thursday and as late as Monday.  I think/hope I'll be ready Friday.  I'm also hoping the retrieval will be scheduled early, because I have to fast eight hours prior.  I'll be under some sort of sedation for the procedure and they'll take Lee's sperm that day and inject them into my eggs.  My schedule says he's planning a Day 5 transfer, so five days after the retrieval is when they'll transfer for them into my uterus.  If we have two embryo, we'll transfer two and freeze the rest, if any are left over.  Two will give us an increased chance of implanting, but also an increased chance of twins.

This is all the plan, assuming I'm still responding well to the medications and my follicles look good on Monday.  One of the facts I have to face is there may be nothing to retrieve.  There are a lot of what-ifs that I'm having to push to the back of my mind and I know these next few weeks are really going to be a test for me.  I try to keep telling myself I have no control over this, except for the medications, and I have to trust in God and his will.

I will try to give an update after my appointment Monday and I'll let you know when my retrieval date is scheduled.  Please keep myself, Lee and baby Stewart in your prayers!  We need them all!

XOXO,
Chelle

   

Happy 4th!!

We are now into July, and officially 3 days from the start of my cycle!  Wednesday we went to Dr. R's office for medication training, and it was the most excited I've seen Lee… which worried me.  I made a comment that I haven't seen him this excited about the process as he was that morning and he explained that just because he doesn't show it, doesn't mean he isn't.  He sarcastically added he needs to keep his mood at a nice stable level and not up and down, and up and down (while doing the motion with his hand) like "some people."  I laughed and then smacked him!

Lee picked up how to use each syringe or pen and how to draw up the medications very quickly.  Thank goodness he is great at math also!  There is one medication I'm taking that comes with several cartridges with different doses.  I'll get to a point where all the cartridges won't have a full dose, and we'll have to figure out how much each has in it by calculation; you can't tell by looking at the vial.  I can figure it out, but calculations stress me out!  He practiced injecting into a sponge block and said he feels comfortable with everything.  Our nurse Karen, who did the training, commented on how quick he picked up things.  I agreed and told her I completely trust him and have always thought he would be great working in the medical field.

The start of my cycle also means the start of many trips to the doctor and a schedule that will be very TBD (to be determined).  Monday I start with a baseline blood draw at a hospital in Salinas, which isn't quite as far as Monterey, but still the opposite direction from work; then work, then back to Dr. R's office by 3:30 for an ultrasound.  I repeat lab work on Thursday morning in Salinas and I don't believe I'll have anymore appointments with him the rest of the week, but the following week I'll likely have 3-4 days where I'll be taking two trips for lab work and appointments.  I won't know until the day before when he wants to see me and as he's monitoring my hormonal levels he'll either adjust my meds or keep me on the planned dosage.  Again, everything is up in the air!  My retrieval will be anywhere from Friday, July 17 - Monday, July 20th.  I'm crossing my fingers for an early morning retrieval as I have to fast 8 hours prior.

I asked Karen what side effects to expect from the meds and she said I'll be very emotional.  I patted Lee on the back and apologized in advance.  I'm already an emotional person and cry easily.  I guess I'll be a crying mess for the next two weeks.  I forewarned Dr. C (physician I work with) of the start date for my meds.  He promised to try to take it easy on me.  He can be extremely frustrating to work with, but he does have a big heart.

Karen said some people have told her the meds make them pee a lot and they've been up a lot at night because of it.  Again, another thing I already do!  She hadn't heard of people being too hyper and not able to sleep, which is a worry I have about being on steroids, but I can expect an increased appetite.  And bloating, and swelling.  She said by the second week is when I'll really feel the bloating.  I have pain monthly when I ovulate now, so I'm already expecting to feel very uncomfortable.  I'm not complaining about any of this, just explaining the process!  Every side effect, inconvenience, pain, etc I have to go through is so worth it!  I'm so happy the day is almost finally here!!

We've had a very busy, but great week the last week with family and friends visiting.  It's been a long time since we've seen Duke & Steph, but it didn't feel like it.  It was so great to get to know their girls and I adore them!  They asked that I sit by them for a couple of dinners, which melted me heart.  I helped their youngest daughter Sydney with cutting up her food a couple of times and thought how much I enjoy doing stuff like that.  I guess it's the natural mother instinct in me that loves to care for someone.  I explained to a friend not too long ago that I need to feel needed and mother someone.  That's why I was only able to last 3 weeks without any dogs living in our house.  It makes me smile when I turn around and see my little Kazoo faithfully following on my footsteps around the house at times.  I think the pups missed a house full of people when they went to Ken & Lynn's on Wednesday, after everyone had left.

We are so blessed to have a great support system with all of our friends and family and every email or kind word has really helped me get through this roller coaster of emotions.  We hope little Kingston or Piper (our baby names) will know how much we and all of you fought for them!

XOXO,
Chelle

                                                 (my favorite photos from last weekend)