It's been over a year since my last post. Kingston keeps me busier than I've ever been, which is a good thing! I will try post an update on Kingston soon, but for now I need to get my feelings out somewhere.
We just finished a frozen transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I celebrated too soon with the news of "you're pregnant" and had my world rocked three days later with the announcement of my numbers diminishing. I held out a smaller glimmer of hope Monday night and continued my meds, only to find that my numbers on Tuesday had diminished to nothing. I vomited three days after the transfer, had mild spotting, which typically means the embryo is implanting, had nausea and breast tenderness. It's so strange to feel all of the symptoms that result in nothing. Even though it never made it to a clinical pregnancy, a loss is a loss and I am overwhelmed by grief. The good news is it resolved itself and I won't need a D&C.
This time around was totally different than the first, which I expected, but in a much different way. It was surrounded by more anxiety and stress. My IVF clinic didn't give me the warm, fuzzy feelings I felt last time. They tried to charge me for services I paid for three different times, two of the times were a substantial amount. There were several comments made that weren't very supportive. It's water under the bridge at this point, but proceeding from here, if we do anything, gives me great pause working with that clinic again.
The biggest kicker was the day of the transfer, literally five minutes before the procedure, I was told both of my grade two embryos were frozen together, and the thaw affected one of them, which was downgraded to a grade three (the smaller the number, the better the grade). Grading is only based on the appearance of the embryo; how many cells it has, if there are fragments, etc. It doesn't test for chromosome abnormalities (that's another $5,000). The embryologist noticed the one that dropped is now darker and Dr. R mentioned that it may not survive another freeze. That was some pretty heavy news to receive at a time I should be calm and positive. By the time I got to the transfer with my first fresh cycle I was pretty calm because I knew I had a back-up plan. Now there was no back-up plan and I dwelled on that for days after (as you can see I'm still dwelling on it). After the transfer I regretting not transferring both. Five minutes isn't a lot of time to resonate on news and make a sound decision. Lee thinks we should use that embryo, but I don't have a lot of faith in it. I recently read 2 out of 20 embryos from a woman my age are viable. I lost Kingston's twin to (probable) abnormal chromosomes and now I've lost another. Statistically my chances aren't good with the remaining low-grade embryo and I could potentially pay thousand of dollars again, go through the entire cycle with pre-testing and meds only to have no embryo to transfer, since they thaw the day before.
Another fresh cycle is $10,000+, and now I have almost 39 year-old eggs, not young 36 year-old ones. Those three years may not seem like a lot, but can make a big difference in the IVF world. There are so many whys and what-ifs circling my head constantly that's hard to quiet. Obviously my first cycle brought me the greatest gift ever and reminds me it's all worth it. Now I'm sitting on the other side of the track, along with all of the other failed cases. Why does it have to be so hard to create a family for some? Regardless of our situation, all infertile women at some point ask "why me?!"
Lee thinks I should give my body time to heal and then talk about how we proceed from here. I personally feel like this was our only chance at having a sibling for Kingston and now that hope is gone. I know I am one of the lucky ones because I do have a child and so many never will experience that. He is a blessing and miracle and I couldn't ever imagine life without him! Lee and I just know the joy of having a sibling and want that for Kingston so badly. We want it for us too! I was so excited to be pregnant again, to use my experience towards a new baby, to see Kingston be a big brother, etc. I just don't know where we go from here.
