Infertility and Loss

It's been over a year since my last post.  Kingston keeps me busier than I've ever been, which is a good thing!  I will try post an update on Kingston soon, but for now I need to get my feelings out somewhere.

We just finished a frozen transfer that resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  I celebrated too soon with the news of "you're pregnant" and had my world rocked three days later with the announcement of my numbers diminishing.  I held out a smaller glimmer of hope Monday night and continued my meds, only to find that my numbers on Tuesday had diminished to nothing.  I vomited three days after the transfer, had mild spotting, which typically means the embryo is implanting, had nausea and breast tenderness.  It's so strange to feel all of the symptoms that result in nothing.  Even though it never made it to a clinical pregnancy, a loss is a loss and I am overwhelmed by grief.  The good news is it resolved itself and I won't need a D&C.

This time around was totally different than the first, which I expected, but in a much different way.  It was surrounded by more anxiety and stress.  My IVF clinic didn't give me the warm, fuzzy feelings I felt last time.  They tried to charge me for services I paid for three different times, two of the times were a substantial amount.  There were several comments made that weren't very supportive.  It's water under the bridge at this point, but proceeding from here, if we do anything, gives me great pause working with that clinic again.

The biggest kicker was the day of the transfer, literally five minutes before the procedure, I was told both of my grade two embryos were frozen together, and the thaw affected one of them, which was downgraded to a grade three (the smaller the number, the better the grade).  Grading is only based on the appearance of the embryo; how many cells it has, if there are fragments, etc.  It doesn't test for chromosome abnormalities (that's another $5,000).  The embryologist noticed the one that dropped is now darker and Dr. R mentioned that it may not survive another freeze.  That was some pretty heavy news to receive at a time I should be calm and positive.  By the time I got to the transfer with my first fresh cycle I was pretty calm because I knew I had a back-up plan.  Now there was no back-up plan and I dwelled on that for days after (as you can see I'm still dwelling on it).  After the transfer I regretting not transferring both.  Five minutes isn't a lot of time to resonate on news and make a sound decision.  Lee thinks we should use that embryo, but I don't have a lot of faith in it.  I recently read 2 out of 20 embryos from a woman my age are viable.  I lost Kingston's twin to (probable) abnormal chromosomes and now I've lost another.  Statistically my chances aren't good with the remaining low-grade embryo and I could potentially pay thousand of dollars again, go through the entire cycle with pre-testing and meds only to have no embryo to transfer, since they thaw the day before.

Another fresh cycle is $10,000+, and now I have almost 39 year-old eggs, not young 36 year-old ones.  Those three years may not seem like a lot, but can make a big difference in the IVF world.  There are so many whys and what-ifs circling my head constantly that's hard to quiet.  Obviously my first cycle brought me the greatest gift ever and reminds me it's all worth it.  Now I'm sitting on the other side of the track, along with all of the other failed cases.  Why does it have to be so hard to create a family for some?  Regardless of our situation, all infertile women at some point ask "why me?!"

Lee thinks I should give my body time to heal and then talk about how we proceed from here.  I personally feel like this was our only chance at having a sibling for Kingston and now that hope is gone.  I know I am one of the lucky ones because I do have a child and so many never will experience that.  He is a blessing and miracle and I couldn't ever imagine life without him!  Lee and I just know the joy of having a sibling and want that for Kingston so badly.  We want it for us too!  I was so excited to be pregnant again, to use my experience towards a new baby, to see Kingston be a big brother, etc.  I just don't know where we go from here.

I can't believe how much time has past since my last posting!  I started a couple posts in between, but never finished them, which doesn't surprise me!  Caring for a child is much more time consuming than I imagined.  Actually, everything is more than I imagined (in a good way!).

Kingston just turned 8 months.  EIGHT MONTHS?!  It'll be interesting to go back and read the last postings of him.  I skimmed through them briefly and I was rambling on about colic.  That was so many moons ago!!  Looking at him today, no one would ever believe how much he screamed in the early days.  His pediatrician was right; at 3.5 months old it's like a light switch turned off... the screaming stopped and all of a sudden I had this bright, happy, joyous son.  He has the most infectious smile and contagious laugh.  He's a jokester and is always keeping me on my toes.  We received Kingston's Christmas present early from my parents and thank goodness they are allowing us to use it now!  It's a large playpen that we set up in the living room.  Mom suggested we get something to cage him in when we need to do something and take our eyes off of him for a few minutes, and she was so right!

I'm just starting to feel like I can get things done here and there around the house.  I don't know if it's a boy thing or a Kingston thing, but this little dude is all over the place and wild!  He's been crawling for awhile now and is fast, especially when he sees something he knows he can't have; mostly dog's toys, their water and food bowls and electrical cords.  I observe my friend's babies, who are mostly girls, and they seemed pretty subdued and content most of the time, while Kingston climbs me like a jungle gym!  I took his 8-month pictures today and propped him up on his rocking chair where all of the other pictures have been and just like always, it was so challenging to get good pictures.  Today was harder than usual; I couldn't manage even one good photo or one semi-good photo of him sitting down looking at me.  He takes Barnsie the teddy bear (who's been in most of his photos), pushes him down and bites his ear, so I end up tossing him aside.  I started putting the month sticker on the chair so he wouldn't chew on it, but he notices it ever time now and tries to tear it off the chair.  He likes to stand on the rocking chair and looks like he's about to launch off onto the floor.  I finally just said "screw it!" after snapping like 30 photos.  The ones taken are exactly who Kingston is and that's who I should celebrate.

Kingston absolutely loves his puppies and thinks it's hilarious when they are on the couch or dog steps looking down on him.  He laughs hysterically at them, which I call "the sillies."  I feel like he can tell them apart and knows who he can be rough with.  Kazoo is always in his face, making out with him while Banjo is a much more sensitive dog.  I have to make sure to tell Banjo when he's being a good boy around Kingston, which you can tell makes him proud.  When Kingston pets Banjo it's usually soft and gentle, and when Kazoo comes up to him he'll grab her face or her fur.  She will let out a yelp, which I correct him, but she doesn't seem phased by it.

He loves TV too, which I allow him to watch VERY sparingly (only for about 20 minutes in the morning on weekends).  He loves the baby channel and I try to interact and sing the songs along with the show while he watches.  It's pretty funny how he asks for it though; I put him in the bed in the morning with me to nurse and once he's done he turns around and just stares at the TV.  He gets excited when it actually turns on.

Several months ago I bought a hand puppet at a second-hand baby store and he is so funny interacting with it!  It's a pig, who I named "Mr. Piggy" and I try to throw my voice and talk like I am him (of course I'm not very good) and even though I'm not moving my mouth, Kingston will look at me like he's trying to figure out if I'm making the noise.  Regardless, he's still very entertained by Mr. Piggy.  When Mr. Piggy asks if he can give Kingston a hug, K will sit there and let Mr. P snuggle his neck.  When asked if he can get a kiss, K opens his mouth when Mr. P gets near (Kingston hasn't learned about closed-mouth kisses yet).  And when Mr. P tells him he's going to give tickles, K screams in anticipation.  It's the cutest thing!

For Halloween a couple of friends and I got together and painted our baby's butts like pumpkins (which I'll post here).  I didn't post any on social media, because I'm paranoid about perverts out there.  I showed my co-workers the pictures, and they nicknamed Kingston "big booty."  He really does have a big butt!  There is this ridiculously stupid rap song I've heard a couple of times (I have no idea who sings it), but some of the words are "bubble butt... bubble, bubble, bubble butt."  I sing that to him quite often and he thinks it's pretty funny!  Kingston also has the nickname "Carlos" at work, after I hung the picture of him in his shades taken this summer at the beach.  Several people said he looks like baby Carlos from "The Hangover."

I think the last post I did I had just started going to a breastfeeding support group, which was life changing!  I luckily never had problems with breastfeeding, but went more to socialize with other new moms.  There's a group of 6 of us that stayed close even after we all went back to work and we have frequent play dates.  I'm particularly close to one of the ladies, who happens to be Kingston's girlfriend's mom.  We kind of joked about it in the beginning, but they took to each other very quickly and are so sweet together!  The last play date we did, Kingston was started to grab the other baby's (all girls that day) shirts, but when Callie (his girlfriend) showed up, he was so gentle with her.  That's the day my friend told me to look up, just in time to see them both open mouthed going toward each other to kiss.

Kingston has had his two bottom teeth for awhile and nothing more, which surprises me, because he is biting the hell out of us!  It's been a couple of weeks since he bit me while nursing, which fortunately doesn't happen too often.  He does however, several times a week, bite my shoulder, arm or thigh.  He likes to crawl up to people and bite their thigh and he bites hard!!  One of the teacher's at his daycare says he tries to bite their toes.  Daycare is going great and I'm very lucky to have found the one he goes to.  All of the teachers are fantastic and some have even said Kingston is their favorite.  The lady who opens greets him with "Hola hermoso" which means "hello beautiful" followed by a lot of gushing Spanish words I'm not familiar with.

It was incredibly hard to go back to work when I did; especially since his colic had ended about 3 weeks prior and his personality was starting to shine, but it has gotten better.  I still hate leaving him though and am so grateful to have Fridays off.  I don't know how people work 5 days a week with a little one.  I get off at 4:30, but with traffic, I usually don't get home until 5:30-5:45 and I start his bed time routine around 6-6:15.  Night time is a mad dash to hurry up and try to soak in some quality time before he goes to bed, then the rest of the night is spent getting ready for the next day to do it all over again.  I feel like I would never see him if it wasn't for Fridays!

I am so happy the Christmas season is here!  I love all things Christmas, and even more now that I get to share them with a child.  I know he has no concept of anything associated with the holiday other than thinking the lights are pretty, but I know eventually he will.  I'm also aware presents under the tree are more for me, but it just so happens I haven't bought him much of anything in a long time and he needs to toys to lean against and that will help him learn to walk.  He currently LOVES to stand now... all of the time and I really want to get him something other than the coffee table with sharp edges.  Speaking of, one morning several weeks ago, Lee got up with him and let me sleep in.  I maybe slept in 30 minutes before I heard Kingston beating a toy on the coffee table while Lee encouragingly sang Michael Jackson's "Beat It."  The dogs were doing their normal crazy morning barking session while wanting their toys thrown and my zombie self shuffled into the living room, one eye open with a facial expression to say "could you keep it down?!"  Once I saw Kingston's smile and Lee laugh, I couldn't help but smile.  It's a crazy zoo in the Stewart house now, but it's MY zoo!

Kingston is officially 3 months old today!  Where, oh where has the time gone?  I look back at pictures of when he was first born and just want to cry.  Not that I'm not enjoying seeing him grow, but it's too fast for this mama!  Things are going so-so right now.  Depending on the day I'm asked will determine my response.  On happy, not-so-fussy days I'll gloat on his smiles, babbles and coos he gives me and talk about all the wonderful other things he does and enjoys.  On days like I've had this week?  You might find me banging my head against the wall when questioned because of his colic.  I read a hysterical article from a blogger friend recently about colic, appropriately titled "I Fought the Colic, and the Colic Won."  Here is an excerpt from it (and here is the blog if you want to learn about colic and have a good laugh:  http://bigtopfamily.com/cirque-du-today-clowns-and-colic-dont-mix/):

"I had read about colic in my obligatory  What to Expect When You’re Expecting  book, and I’d listened to friends’ third-party stories about it in that detached, Urban Legend kind of way. In the way you cock your head and condescendingly listen to stories about a Loch Ness Monster or Sasquatch sighting. In a That Sounds Terrifying but I Don’t Really Think it Exists and Do You Also Believe in Ghosts, Because If You Do, Take Your Evil Spirits and Get Your Cuckoo Ass Away from Me Before I Have Nightmares kind of way. Yeah see, in my ultimate pre-parental wisdom, I thought that “colic” was just another word for The Mom is Doing Something Wrong. I know, I was an idiot.  I found out the hard way, karma-style, that colic is a very real and very terrifying phenomenon."

To say the least, colic is NO JOKE!!  It is very real and very hard to handle at times.  Just when I think his colic is gone, it rears its ugly head, and just when I didn't think Kingston couldn't possibly scream any louder, he introduces us to a whole other octave that will make Banjo howl and Kazoo sit, wide-eyed, shaking to death.  Wednesday night was so bad, Banjo had another one of his "episodes," which I'll get into later, and was headed toward a seizure.  Fortunately a couple teaspoons of corn syrup prevented us from another emergency visit to the vet.  Getting back to the colic, I always feel like something is wrong, while Lee has chalked it up to normal baby behavior.  I refuse to believe this is normal, despite a lactation consultant telling me about the "period of PURPLE crying."  In a nutshell, it's a period that can start from 2 weeks up to 3-4 months, where your baby will just cry, inconsolably at times, and there's not a damn thing you can do.  Not that I don't believe that is an issue with some babies, but I can tell the difference in Kingston's cries now and know when I hear a painful cry.  I know when he needs to burp or pass gas (he has separate cries for each), and though he may have hours of crying, once he is able to release the gas he feels better.  

Wednesday night was another inconsolable 6 hour crying spell that was on and off again all day long yesterday (starting at 7am!).  I KNEW it was gas.  It was an ear-piercing, painful cry.  The kind of cry that I worry my neighbors will hear and think we are doing something to our kid (no joke!  I would even wonder the same if I heard it coming from a neighbor's house).  Despite my best efforts, I couldn't comfort him that night. He screamed louder when I tried to do bicycle kicks on his back or rub his back while laying on his tummy.  Even his old trusty bouncy ball was not cutting in.  The only thing that provided short moments of relief (and quiet) was carrying him around on his tummy in the position I call the "Superman pose."  His cry eventually turned into a hunger cry and he settled down after nursing and slept pretty well that night.  Yesterday morning my happy little ray of sunshine left pretty quickly and the ear-piercing screams started again.  I finally gave him a bath, which helped calm him and he was able to get a good amount of burps and toots out, while laying against me.  I had to constantly keep moving and changing positions with him yesterday to keep him comfortable with only short breaks here and there.

We have had several days in a row that were good, and just when we think his colic has stopped, it starts again.  Apparently colic just stops abruptly around 3 months, sometimes 4.  It's so hard for me to think one day it will exit as quickly as it started, but I also didn't think colic could be this bad.  I started him on a probiotic last week on top of his daily Zantac for acid reflux with gripe water +/- gas x when needed.  I worry these stomach issues will be a lifelong problem, but his pediatrician reassured me these are all problems babies typically grow out of.  I had no clue how difficult their digestive system starts out as!  I feel like his is worse than others.  People have asked "was that him?" when he burps or toots and the whole room stopped and looked at me the other morning at the new mom support group I go to after he took a couple massive dumps!  His doctor, who I really like and trust, mentioned awhile ago about a possible milk protein allergy.  It's gotten to the point where I think I need to explore the possibility, and unfortunately the only way to tell is an elimination diet.  I'm supposed to eliminate diary and soy also since most babies that have the milk allergy are allergic to soy as well.  I didn't think it would be that hard, but I also didn't realize how much dairy I consume.  I depressingly walked around the grocery store a couple weeks back and read the labels on my go-to foods.  I was shocked to see how many foods contain milk, but especially soy!  And if it doesn't contain milk, it contains a derivative of it.  It's the milk protein he may be allergic to, not lactose, so I can't have lactose-free foods.  I actually started the diet a couple weeks ago, but only did it for two days before I stopped thinking I should just wait it out to see if his colic resolves on its own.  In those two days, I actually lost a couple pounds and never quite felt full.  This is going to be a challenge, but I'm willing to do just about anything if it helps.  I can't tell you how heartbreaking it is to see your little one cry, and despite your best efforts, at times there is simply nothing you can do.  

Other than the colic (which as you can see consumes my life right now given the four paragraph rant), Kingston is doing well.  He is growing and gaining weight appropriately, even though he looks very chunky, and his personality is really showing.  He has so many cute rolls and he loves to flail his arms and legs about randomly.  He gets a serious face when I ask him to dance and seems to concentrate while stomping his feet.  He's also starting to babble a lot more and I enjoy our conversations immensely!  It's been almost a month since he started to smile at me because of recognition, and I really look forward those smiles and laughs.  He has the sweetest smile and often follows it with bringing his neck to his collarbone in sort of a bashful way.  

Our trusty soothing items when he is fussy have been bouncing him on an exercise ball or placing him in a swing.  Often that, or a ride in the stroller or car are the only things that will get him to nap.  He has a floor activity gym that is under-the-sea themed, and he absolutely loves looking up at the star that lights up and plays music.  Speaking of lights, he loves them too and ceiling fans as well!  Since he was born, he has loved music, so I sing to him often.  I have a couple of "good morning" songs I sing to him every morning, and even made up a song about him working on a poop (I think it helps him).  Hey, when you're around a baby 24/7 you do these sort of things!  He has always been very alert and is a very curious little guy.  I enjoy reading to him and sometimes he really gets into it.  I've also noticed recently he stares at the TV (probably the movement of people on it), so I bought a DVD set of Baby Einstein videos.  I figured if he's going to watch TV, and we know that time is coming, than I'd rather have him watch something educational.  His big enough now that I'm able to prop him up on his nursing pillow and will sometimes do that while cuddling up to him for a nap.  I have to say they are the best naps I have ever taken!  I think he likes it too because he smiles a lot when we wake up.  He can hold himself up pretty well when I prop him up against pillows and the day is coming soon where he will fully be able to support his head. 

My maternity leave has flown by and starting Monday, I only have three weeks left.  I expect to cry my first day back when I have to leave Kingston, but I did not expect for it to start now.  I have been feeling so down recently just thinking about it and am even tearing up writing this.  I checked out a daycare this week, which he will attend for two days a week, and they were very sweet, especially when I started to tear up while talking about Kingston.  As much as I desperately need a break and am so tired, the thought of leaving him, especially with people I don't know, just crushes me.  I feel like I'm going to miss seeing his milestones first.  On the upside, I know they will work with him to help develop skills and socialize, probably more than I could.  The ladies I met seem very nurturing, so I do feel comfortable and relieved to have found a place, even though it's crazy expensive!

I started going to a new mommy group about a month ago and it has been the best support group!  A friend of mine, who also was in my medical assistant program and who had a baby in February, told me about it.  I was hesitant to go at first because of Kingston's screaming (I really didn't leave the house with him except for doctor appointments and to walk around the neighborhood), but I figured what better place to be than a room full of women experiencing the same thing.  There is also a lactation consultant that answers questions and it's great hearing other people's struggles.  It not only answers some questions I have, but reassures me.  I was supposed to go on a hike with a group of mamas of 2016 babies yesterday, but because of Kingston's screaming fits, decided to stay home.  I'm glad I did, since yesterday was another full day of fussiness. 

The first day I went to the support group, I came home feeling positive, only to find a very sick Banjo.  Banjo has had "episodes" since he was probably 6 weeks old, which I talked about in a previous blog.  To refresh, he basically gets "dumpy" as the vet describes it, and when you go to pet him he flinches away from you.  He basically exhibits signs of ingesting marijuana according to the vet, though each time I have insisted he hadn't.  Last fall they finally checked his blood sugar after I asked if that could be the cause and it was 40 (normal is 80-100).  When I walked in the door that day, I saw Banjo on the couch and instantly knew something was wrong.  He was the worst I had ever seen him, and again when I tried to pet him he flinched.  I called the vet and scheduled an appointment for that afternoon and tried to feed him to no avail.  I decided to leave him alone so he could rest and just as I started feeding Kingston he had a seizure.  I freaked out!  Can I just mention how much I hate seizures.  I mean, despise them!  My mind always goes back to seeing Lynch's seizures during the last few days of his life.  Everyone of our dogs now has had seizures, and it breaks my heart.  I called Lee, panicked and unsure what to do.  For a second I froze and didn't know how I was going to juggle getting Banjo to the vet with Kingston.  I pulled Kingston off from feeding, put him in the car seat, crying, called the vet and brought him in for an emergency visit.  Thank goodness they are only a few blocks away.  They took his blood sugar, which was 70, and reminded me anything below 80 could result in a seizure.  I still can't believe he acted normal that day, back when his blood sugar was 40!  

Anyway, he spent the day at the vet, and when we picked him up that evening he still looked awful.  Lee carried him into the house and put him on the couch where he didn't move for a few hours.  Finally we called the vet and asked when he was going to snap out of it.  They advised us to give him a teaspoon of corn syrup and if he doesn't respond within 20 minutes to bring him back in.  The emergency doctor there (this was after hours at this point), thought he had Addison's disease, which I believe is an imbalance of potassium and electrolytes if I remember correctly, and he told me he could possibly die if he isn't given fluids.  I asked if we should go to another emergency vet, since there is no doctor on site at our vet between midnight and 7am, but decided to take him back to our vet and have him hooked up to IV fluids.  The receptionist reassured Lee when he dropped him off that the doctor on call that night won't leave if he is really worried about an animal.  The next day Banjo was significantly better, though still a little weird.  Oddly enough, Kazoo used to have "episodes" as well that were different from Banjo's.  They consist of her drooling and foaming a little at the mouth and stares at you for about twenty minutes, and then snaps out of it.  She hasn't had an episode in over a year and the day we brought Banjo back she had one.  Maybe she had a sympathy seizure?  Fortunately hers are very mild.

We now know we can't put off a visit with a specialist any longer, so Banjo has an appointment to see an internal medicine doctor on Tuesday.  Our vet thought there was a good chance he had Addison's disease, so he did a special test there about a week ago, which unfortunately came back negative.  Us and his vet were hoping it would be positive since it would give us an answer, and it is treatable.  When I scheduled the appointment for Tuesday, I told the receptionist our vet thinks he may have liver shunts or an insulinoma, and she said they will probably recommend an ultrasound which runs $500-$700!  We've already spent $1300 and he may have to have surgery depending on the diagnosis.  Thank goodness for pet insurance, though they only pay a portion and it takes about 6 weeks to be reimbursed.  I often think back to the beagles we had growing up, who were outside dogs.  They would get there rabies vaccination, but otherwise never went to the vet for anything and lived for many, many years without any health problems.  It seems like the more domesticated the dog is, the more increased risk for health problems.

Wish us luck with Banjo and pray it isn't anything too serious.  I just want him to live a long healthy life.  I really thought we were going to lose him a few weeks back.  He actually had another episode on Wednesday night.  After six hours of Kingston screaming bloody murder, the stress was too much for him.  We gave him a teaspoon of corn syrup and tried to get him to eat, which he refused.  He perked up a little with the first teaspoon of corn syrup, so we gave him another teaspoon and he again perked up even more.  He was no longer flinching, but was lethargic.  He slept that night and cuddled up to his Grammy at her house the next morning for a long nap and was fine afterwards.  Oh the joys of owning a pet!

I will try my best to update more, but the easiest and fastest way to see pictures is through Facebook.  I'm looking into apps now where I can load more pictures and videos so I'm not overwhelming people with so many posts about Kingston.

XOXO,
Chelle

Sorry these posts are fewer and far between; caring for an infant is a full time job!  Kingston was 6 weeks on Friday (I can't believe it either) and is growing like a weed!  For the past three weeks he's been to the doctor twice and each time has gained about 11 ounces weekly.  His weight last Friday was 10lb 12oz.  I read they usually gain about an ounce a day.  I keep asking the doctor if his weight gain is okay and he said he's not worried.  Needless to say, this kid eats like it's his job!  Babies usually eat about 2-3 ounces per meal now, which he does at times, but sometimes he'll suck down 5 ounces with no problem.  I've held back a bit when he cries to make sure it's a hunger cry and it always seems to be. 

A couple of weeks ago he started getting very fussy and his pediatrician thinks he has acid reflux and possibly colic.  I agree with both!  I could tell his burp was reflex the other day, so we started him on Zantac a week ago and it seems to be helping a bit, though we may try increasing the dose to see if he can get better relief.  He's always trying to clear his throat and has to be sitting up for awhile after feedings before he'll lay down.  He started a witching hour a couple of weeks ago where he screamed for a couple of hours and was inconsolable, but that hour turned into all day.  It's not constant, but he'll scream at times in the morning, afternoon and evening.  Last Saturday night Lee didn't put him down until 2am, which he started fussing again immediately, so I took over and he finally fell asleep at almost 4am and was up again two hours later.  To say the least, we are exhausted!  We were told colic resolves by three months, so we're just trying to hang in there for the next six weeks.

Kingston hit an early milestone last week and rolled from tummy to back during tummy time!  I read the earliest that happens is usually three months, but typically can be expected around month four.  He's rolled over several times and often looks like he's trying to crawl.  I won't be surprised if he starts crawling early.  I should enjoy this time, because I feel like soon he's going to be all over the place. 

He has also started grasping at things like my hair and tugging on my shirt.  I love when he grasps my shirt when he feeds or when I'm holding him.  He started moving his head down, when it's on my shoulder, to my chest when he's sleepy and wants to rest... and my heart melts!  It can be overwhelming at times, when he doesn't want to sleep anywhere except in my arms.  The whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" motto went out the door because this baby doesn't sleep much.  Even when he does fall asleep in his pack n play it's only for thirty minutes max!  I'll often recline on the couch while holding for a nap for both of us, even if it is only 20-30 minutes.

We had quite a scare several weeks back with his circumcision.  It was the first day of Lee's two week family bonding, and while he was in good spirits that morning, mama was pretty nervous!  The pediatrician who saw him in the hospital when he was born, not his pediatrician now (he doesn't have hospital privileges currently to do the procedure) did the circumcision. That morning upon arrival, were told he was stuck in traffic because of a wreck.  He commutes from pretty far, so he was going to be about an hour late.  Just before that hour came, Kingston started crying and the medical assistant told me to go ahead and feed him, but that would push his procedure out an additional hour.  His appointment was 8am and the doctor finally got started around 10:30.  We were told a lot of babies sleep through the process, but I knew he wouldn't be one of them.  He screamed almost the whole time, and rightfully so!  They give them sugar water to distract them through it, but it only helped minimally and he ended up having double what they give them.  The doctor had a hard time stopping the bleeding, but finally did and we waited thirty minutes to make sure he didn't bleed anymore.  As soon as he opened his diaper to check, he started bleeding again.  He did this twice and I could tell the doctor was getting a little frazzled.  The bleeding finally stopped and we left at noon (four hours there!).  I asked the doctor what I should do if he starts bleeding again, which he replied with a confident "he won't" but I wasn't reassured.  As soon as we went to change his diaper the bleeding started again.

It was a significant amount and while I was on the phone trying to get an appointment with his actual pediatrician, Lee couldn't stop the bleeding and told me when need to go to the emergency room ASAP.  That was one of the hardest days for me!  Hearing him scream most of the day just tore my heart to pieces!  They had a hard time stopping the bleeding as well and each time we did a diaper change it opened up.  The doctor we saw in the ER called the pediatrician, Dr. S, and consulted with the hospital pediatrician who also works at Stanford.  We went in just thinking they'd stop the bleeding and give us instructions if it happens again.  We were not prepared for talk of Kingston having a bleeding disorder and recommending they run blood tests and an ultrasound of the brain.  The admitting doctor decided to start with the blood test, and his blood had to be drawn three times to get an adequate amount for the test.  He screamed the whole time, which I held him down and sobbed.  The results took an hour and came back negative, but what a scare!!  We could tell Dr. S was totally freaked out and called us repeatedly when we got home until we answered.  He's only had one baby who bled a lot after circumcision, but never had a baby make a trip to the ER.  Apparently, it's not very common for babies to bleed after the procedure like he did.  We followed up with Dr. S a week later and he told us he was nervous doing a circumcision after that and made sure all of his instruments were correct and now spends more time doing them to ensure there won't be a problem.  He thinks a blood vessel didn't get crushed (I know, sounds awful!) when he clamped the skin down.  His little wee wee is healing well and I am so thankful he was so young and will not remember that traumatizing procedure!  I felt like a horrible mother for putting him through it, but the pediatrician in the hospital reassured me and went over the many medical benefits of circumcision.

I saw my obstetrician yesterday and have healed well from my c-section.  I really like the doctor who did it and will stick with her for all of my gynecology needs.  When she asked if I was sleeping, eating or showering much I got teary-eyed.  The sleep is good some days, but some days the lack of it really gets me.  It has been hard to find things to fix to eat with only having one hand available.  I also have a bit of post-partum depression, which isn't surprising with my history of depression.  My OB spent a good while yesterday talking to me and gave me some tools to help manage.  She also recommended I get out of the house more, which I agree.  I have been hesitant, just because of the stress I have while driving with him and the worry of him throwing a fit while we're out in public.  I know it's going to happen, so I might as well get comfortable with it.

I've also had a lot of guilt for being depressed because of what we went through to have him.  I've realized through pregnancy and post-partum I'm not very lenient on myself and that's something I need to work on.  My OB gave the analogy yesterday that there is a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on first if ever needed in a plane... I need to take care of myself before I can take care of him.

Our days have been very busy; besides the times eating, I enjoy reading to him, singing, playing music, tummy time and he loves to play with his activity gym.  The activity gym is an ocean theme and he loves to look at the star at the top that flashes and jams to the music.  He's also been checking himself out in the mirror on it, but I'm not sure how well he can see himself.  I downloaded an app the other day that has recommended activities to do based on age and also gives me a run down of where he's at mentally and physically.  I want to do all I can to give him to the tools to be smart and well rounded.  He has also started smiling at me more, and it's such an awesome feeling to see him recognize me and smile because he's happy I'm there.  I read that babies still see themselves and the mother as one entity now and not yet see us as two different people.  I'm okay with that since I know there will come a time where I won't be cool and won't feel needed by him. 

The puppies are still doing great with him and enjoy licking his hears, nose and toes, especially Kazoo.  She often sits by me to protect her little brother.  Today we are going to Kingston's first birthday party for his future girlfriend, Marylou.  She's the daughter of my good friend Lourdes and she just turned one.  Lourdes and I joke that they'll be boyfriend/girlfriend one day.  The party is at a park so we're bringing the whole family, which will be good for the dogs as well, and myself!  I'm excited to be around people today!

I hope everyone is doing well!  I will try to update as often as baby K allows me. 

XOXO,
Chelle

A King Is Born!

Kingston made his grand entrance into the world on Friday, April 1st 2016 at 12:39pm by cesarean.  He was 7.5lb, 19 3/4" and is perfect in every way!

It all began that prior Tuesday at my regular doctor's appointment.  I was being monitored very closely for cholestasis (pregnancy jaundice), which meant appointments every 2-3 days either at my OB office or at the hospital doing blood work and non-stress tests.  I stopped by and visited a couple co-workers the day before my OB appointment and had commented to them that I was ready for him to be born.  I had been off for a week and maternity leave wasn't going the way I had envisioned it.  The edema in my feet had doubled and had gone up my legs all the way to my calves.  Compression socks didn't do anything and I couldn't be on my feet because of the pain the swelling caused.  I had no idea that the following day would be "The Day!"

My doctor had told me the week before my blood test was still in the normal range for cholestasis, but on the high end and after consulting with one of the specialist from Stanford I had seen previously, they decided if it went up one point then they would induce.  I had blood work done the day before and because they had to send it off for testing I figured it wouldn't be back by then.  As soon as the appointment started she looked in my medical file and saw the results were back, then said non-chalantly "Okay, so the results are back and yes, they show you went up to a 10 so we're going to induce."  My liver function tests were increasing as well.  I responded with a bit of shock and after learning the induction would be that day I went into panic mode.  When she saw my tears she said "I thought that's what you wanted, I thought you were ready?"  I told her I was, but was just very overwhelmed.  She calmed me down, called the hospital to schedule and went over the plan with me.

I texted Mom while still at the appointment to give her a heads up and she very quickly left work, booked a plane ticket, packed and boarded a plane all within 2 hours!  I went home and finished last minute chores around the house, took a shower and made sure everything was in my hospital bag.  Lee met me at home a few short hours later, then we headed to dinner, then to the hospital for a 6pm check-in.  I was kind of happy it happened this way because I knew in ample time for myself and for Mom to get here and didn't have to worry about knowing when I was in actual labor, if it would be at night, in rush hour, etc.  I had been having a ton of contractions the week before and a couple of times had wondered if I was in labor.  The contractions I was having were so frequent and lasted so long and were not the textbook type I had read about, but were becoming very intense.

The check-in process took about two hours and I was induced around 8pm that night with Cervadil, which is a tampon they insert impregnated with a medicine to help me dilate.  The several days of labor I went through are a bit of a blur to me at this point, but from what I can remember things were going pretty well up until two hours before they took the Cervadil out.  My contractions were happening the way they had been prior to induction, coming every 30 seconds and lasting around 3 minutes, but very intense!  They finally took the Cervadil out after 12 hours, but I continued with extremely intense contractions for a couple hours after the removal.  They had talked about putting a Foley bulb in which would mechanically make me dilate, but I was only 50% effaced and not dilated so they wouldn't be able to insert it.  The next step was Pitocin, which was given intravenously.  As I remember it was the same as Cervadil, which was manageable at the beginning, but the intense contractions eventually came and I was just not getting any breaks.  Every vaginal exam they did showed zero change too.  That night they presented me with the choice of continuing Pitocin or taking a break and letting my body rest which may help me respond better.  After the final exam showed again no change, I opted for a night's rest.  I got about 4 hours of sleep, which seemed like 8, and was up and ready to restart the next morning with a positive attitude.  I continued with contractions throughout the night, but again they were manageable.  That morning a midwife told me the contractions were going to be painful and I was just going to have to labor through them.  I felt like a wimp.  Was this what labor is like and I can't handle it?  They restarted the Pitocin and everything was going well until again, I was over-responding to the medication, so they reduced the amount I was getting.

It was Thursday at this point and I had tried everything from showering, walking and rocking on a labor ball.  All of these had benefits in the beginning, but were not helping at that point.  That night I asked for nitrous oxide, which gave me a bit of relief, but like everything else, it only helped at first.  Once I found myself constantly sucking on it without any breaks I asked for Fentanyl.  The nurse that night told me I should really hold off on Fentanyl until it's absolutely needed because I can't have nitrous again within two hours of it.  A few minutes later, after monitoring my contractions and seeing my pain, she said "you know, maybe you should try Fentanyl."  Fentanyl was great at first, but it too got to a point where the pain was becoming unbearable.  "Why wasn't anything working?  Why was I over-responding to induction methods?" I wondered.  I felt I couldn't handle labor the way other women did. 

The nurse called the doctor to see what she recommended and was in my room when the doctor called back.  She was glad she called back before her shift ended, because she wanted her to know how things were really going the night she watched over me.  The doctor and midwife came in around 8-9pm that night, sat down and talked to me about my options.  The doctor just happened to be the first doctor I went to at the OB practice.  She was very sweet, but very overwhelming with her discussion on all types of twins and risks associated for my first appointment, which I believe I discussed in my blog.  I felt comfortable that she was the doctor on call that night though and as she told me, she was on call for 48 hours so either way she would be delivering my baby.  She talked about trying to get the Foley bulb in if she was able to and very gently mentioned cesarean since I was going on three days of labor.  She said "I just have to put it out there" to which I replied that I had already prepared myself for anything prior to birth and felt it was going to end with a cesarean.  I felt disappointed in myself, that I wasn't strong enough, but the nurse for that night, Sarah, had done quite a bit of counseling me and explaining that I had been strong and had tried every option, but for some reason they weren't working for me.  I really appreciated her care that night, as I did one other nurse, Janie, who mostly cared for me.  Dr. L suggested she try the Foley bulb first and after telling me how well it could work, I felt better and agreed.  I wasn't ,however, prepared at all for the pain from the insertion of the bulb.  I have to imagine that's probably what it feels like to push a baby out without an epidural... it was excruciating!  She did get it in and I felt a huge sigh of relief; relief that it was over and things would really start happening.  The rest of that night and the next morning went the same with contractions and by 7am I was about to lose my mind.  I had been told several times throughout my time in the hospital that my contractions would even out and I would get a 2-3 minute break in between, but that wasn't the case. "If this is labor" I thought, "then screw this!"  I don't see how women can go through that time and time again.

When Dr. L came back that morning I told her I couldn't do it anymore and wanted a c-section.  She was going to remove the catheter anyway and recommended another vaginal exam because said I could be very close to 10cm; "stranger things have happened."  Her exam showed I had dilated a mere 2 cm!  I wanted to scream!  She continued her exam though and found something strange.  She explained to me Kingston's head had somehow moved passed my cervix and was pushing it up preventing me from dilating.  "I've never seen that before" she said.  I guess that explains why everyone had a hard time finding my cervix during exams.  This whole time I thought my little stinker was being stubborn and not wanting to come out, when in fact, he did want to come out, but was a little stuck.  I am glad everything ended the way it did though.  The c-section was by far the easiest thing I went through, and the cord was loosely wrapped around his neck, which would've been very dangerous had I had a vaginal birth.  The doctor also said my placenta was separating and may have been risky if I had waited another week for my actual due date.

They offered me an injection so I wouldn't remember the procedure after the cesarean, and I honestly don't understand how anyone accepts it.  The medical team worked very quickly and hearing his cry for the first time and seeing Lee cry is a moment I never, ever want to forget.  They asked if Lee wanted to see him so he went around to the table where they cleaned him off and weighed him.  I couldn't believe how big of a boy he was when they called out his measurements.  The moment Lee carried him over and put him next to me takes my breath away every time I think about it.  I can't even write this without crying.  I hadn't really had an image in my head of what he would look like, but when I saw him and looked into those big eyes, I couldn't get over how beautiful he was.  He was no longer crying, just looking at me, face to face.

I was able to hang out with him for most of the repair, then they took him into the recovery room while they finished up with me.  Once I got back to recovery, they put him on me, skin to skin, and he latched on to my breast right away.  It was another beautiful, surreal, very natural moment that I'm so glad I got to experience.

The first day was a bit rocky for me, but I have gone from being too scared to hold him, not knowing how to pick him up, afraid to change his diaper and frustrated with learning to breast feed to being almost a natural in one week.  I still have a ways to go, especially with the diapers, but I'm getting there and I told him "we're learning together."  I asked for an early discharge since I was getting zero sleep and everything the nurses were doing I could do at home.  I'm still not getting much sleep, but some nights aren't so bad.  I am trying my best to nap when he naps, but that is difficult sometimes.

He lost a good bit of weight after birth, but fortunately gained it back pretty quickly and now weighs 8lb 9oz.  Every test they've done have checked out well and he's a very healthy baby.  He's also a very happy and alert baby!  Despite his screams when he wants "boob time," as I call it, he's pretty good at settling down.  Knock on wood though; we've been warned this could change!

I can't stop looking at him, kissing him, talk to him, etc.  He really is perfect and I still can't believe my dream came true.  My miracle is here!

XOXO,
Chelle

 2 days before induction

 Labor wasn't always so serious

 

Day 2 - smiling because I was allowed coffee! 

 

Ready to meet my little man! 

 

I'm totally ugly crying in this photo, but I don't care.  It's so raw and was a magical moment I'll never forget!

 

Our first meeting 

Our first family photo

 In awe... we just stared at each other

Lee recapping the delivery to everyone and describing when he held Kingston

I look back and laugh at the disillusions I had about pregnancy, especially the ninth month.  I told myself I'm going to walk myself and the dogs as much as I can right up until I give birth.  I envisioned maternity leave as sleeping in, getting everything spotless and organized in my house, and cooking up a storm with dinners for the husband and meals to freeze for those sleep deprived days ahead.  My expectations are almost as odd as the dream I had about the holocaust last night or as laughable as the presidential candidates!


Reality is I get out of bed between 4-5AM every morning because my fingers are numb and my palms are painful.  It takes about thirty minutes to be able to open my hands completely and a few hours to fully be able to grip something.  I told Lee I hope this immediately goes away after I give birth because I wouldn't be able to pick up Kingston like this.  Putting my compression socks on is a huge challenge with my crippled hands and since the edema I had the day before only improves the slightest bit after sleeping. 

I went to my OB yesterday for my regular appointment and she didn't seem too concerned about the swelling.  She just kind of shrugged it off and said it's not going to get any better.  I purposely didn't wear my compression socks so she could see the amount I was having, but I wasn't on my feet much that morning prior to my appointment so they weren't as bad.  Fortunately my blood pressure was good!  I showed my feet to my brother on Skype last night and his comment was "Good lord!  Those belong on a 200-pound woman!"  I hope little Kingston knows how much he is worth all of these aches and pains, but my goodness these are some funky, unexpected changes to my body!

The NST at my appointment went well and Kingston sounded awesome!  A midwife came to take the machine for another patient and showed me the print out saying they look for at least three increased fluctuations within ten minutes and he had eight.  I'm so happy despite all these side effects that are concerning to me don't seem to be affecting little man.  The test came back they sent out for cholestasis and it was normal, although on the high side of normal.  My OB consulted with one of the specialists at Stanford (where I had all my ultrasounds) and recommended repeating it on Monday and if it went up one point or more they should consider inducing me.  I have a NST Saturday at the hospital, one on Monday with repeating lab work and my next OB appointment is on Tuesday.  They probably won't have the results until Wednesday so I'll be anxious to hear them.  I pray I don't have this condition, but I still think it's a good possibility because my itching was pretty bad again on Tuesday.  I'm not stoked at the thought of induction, but I will do whatever I need to for his safety and health.  I feel even more on edge counting his kicks daily since cholestasis raises the risks of stillbirth.

There are lots of changes happening to my body in the past week and I really feel his birth is imminent.  Lee said he's going to take my phone away from me so I can't google and I'm going to be really pissed off if he's a week late.  Pissed, no; surprised, yes!  I really thought Wednesday was going to be the day since I started cleaning the day before and had planned on hitting the hot spots, but found myself sitting on the kitchen floor scrubbing it and emptying the low cabinets and shelves to dust everything off.  I'd say I'm officially in nesting phase! 

The favorite MA at my OB predicted my labor will be textbook and will go fast when I have him.  Boy I hope she's right!  As much as I'd love for my mother to be here when it happens, waiting in labor for her to get here doesn't sound like much fun.  I'm beyond excited to meet baby K, but this whole labor and delivery part is really freaking me out.  Hopefully this will be one of those times in my life where I learn I'm stronger than I think I am.

The countdown continues...

XOXO,
Chelle

Nothing like a trip to the hospital to kick off the first day of maternity leave!  I'm somewhat relieved I went, but still worried about the swelling.  They seemed more concerned with preeclampsia than cholestasis, which for me was the other way around.  I learned today that you can actually be preeclamptic without having high blood pressure.  When I first arrived to labor and delivery my blood pressure was slightly elevated, but that could've been from the way I was sitting or anxiety from being there.  The nurse raised the back of the bed up and my readings were normal there after.  They ran a urinalysis to see if there was protein in my urine and blood tests; everything came back negative, except for the bile duct test, which can take up to two weeks, depending on when they pick up the test since they have to send it out.  I was prescribed a medication to decrease the level of bile until my results are complete.

Fortunately my non-stress test was excellent and Kingston sounds really good!  I never saw the on-call midwife, but did talk to her over the phone after she heard all the results.  She wants me to increase my non-stress tests to twice weekly so I have one scheduled on Wednesday with my OB and they added a NST Saturday at the hospital.  She wants me to call if anything changes, even in the slightest bit with the swelling or if I develop a headache that won't go away or blurred vision.  I asked if preeclampsia can come on suddenly and slowly and she said it could.  I still feel very nervous about all the swelling in my legs.  I told the RN after I hung up the phone that this amount of swelling isn't normal and she agreed. 

I am home now and despite there being a million things to do, I am following orders and have my legs propped up in bed.  I wish signs in pregnancy were more black and white and not so gray, but I guess that's the way it goes.  As the midwife says, my maternal instincts are kicking in and I will know when something isn't right.  I will keep everyone updated!

XOXO,
Chelle

Flintstone feet

 2 weeks ago

 37 weeks, 3 days