I thought I'd write a blog today, partially for an update, but mostly for therapy.  My heart has ached over the past few days and I have done some serious crying for my cousin's baby, Caroline.  She was born Thanksgiving Day, a few weeks prior to her due date, and a week early from her scheduled cesarean, with spina bifida.  Her eight hour surgery the next day went well and she was making great strides in learning to suck, swallow and her body was working well on its own as she was quickly being taken off support in the NICU.  A couple days ago, things moved in the opposite direction; her stats were rapidly dropping, she was put on oxygen which needed to be increased, seizure medication and she was intubated.  Every test possible has been run on her and now is she is faced with a possible very risky surgery tomorrow to relieve pressure on the brain stem, which may not help.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help but have a pity party for my cousin, Julie.  I can't help  but ask "why her?"  Julie and I have talked multiple times about "normal pregnancies" and how we both wished  we could've had one.  She had suffered a miscarriage prior to Caroline, and found out Caroline possibly had SB around week 20; you all know my pregnancy struggles.  Why do the most negligent mothers have multiple babies, and my cousin, who will be an amazing mother, have so many trials towards motherhood?  I know most pregnancies end well, but I have seen the other side of that with friends and family, and I do worry more about my sweet little miracle.

On a positive note, I have started feeling Kingston move and the feeling is indescribable!  I was getting impatient and more worried each time people would ask "have you felt him yet?"  Every book or pregnancy app I read said I could expect to feel movement anywhere from 18-22 weeks.  The ultrasound tech on my last ultrasound felt him, my OB felt him... Why wasn't I?  On Monday as I was leaving work, a co-worker and friend put her face up to my belly, as she often does, and spoke to him.  She told me to go home, put some music up to my stomach and that should help me feel him.  On the way home the new song from Adele "Hello" came on Pandora; I turned up the volume and as I sang along I felt something.  It's funny the start of the chorus to that song is "hello from the other side."  I put one hand on my belly, pressed down and felt him, multiple times!  That night the Redskins played Dallas and as Lee and his brother, Marc were screaming at the TV and I could feel him again, without my hands!  Since then he has been an active little boy, mostly at night when I finally sit down and rest.  I felt him the other night so I lifted my shirt and could see his movements.

My belly has had a significant growth spirt in the last several weeks, as well as my aches and pains, but it's all been manageable.  It's so interesting what pregnancy does to your body!  I've had pain below my breasts for about a week which I first blamed on my bra, then thought I had done something to bruise my ribs.  Finally I realized it's all from pregnancy; everything is stretching, expanding and growing, and I have been fascinated with watching my body grow.  As I write this now, Kingston seems to have just woken up and is saying his hellos.

I dropped off presents yesterday at Jacob's Heart, a local organization that supports children with cancer and their families.  For the last two years, we've adopted a less fortunate family as a gift in honor of the doctors at work for their Christmas present.  This year was our first year with Jacob's Heart and after visiting their facility a week ago with my friend Lourdes, I was so overwhelmed with sadness for these families and walked out adopting another family.  Their facility is impressive and has everything from playrooms for younger and older children, a large kitchen and counseling rooms for families.  My in-laws, Lee's brother, my friend Bridgitte and Lee and I donated clothes, shoes, toys, a bike and a grocery store gift card to a family that desperately needed support.  The mother is a single mom of 3 children; one boy age 10, a girl age 8 and another girl, age 5.  The little boy has cancer and his prognosis doesn't look good.  They all live together in one bedroom of an apartment they share with another family.  Jacob's Heart found out they were sleeping on the floor so purchased mattresses for them.  They also bought pots, pans, dishes and utensils after learning the family they shared the apartment with stopped letting them use theirs as they thought they were going to catch the boy's cancer.  It was a huge reminder how privileged we are and how lucky we are with all of our comforts and health.  As an upcoming mother, I couldn't help but think you never know where life will lead you and your family, and it's so important to help others.  Next year I hope I can get my Virginia family involved and any friends that are interested so we can adopt more families.

I took Banjo to the vet this week, partly because his tear stain was getting worse (he has to be put on antibiotic ointment every once in awhile) and partly to see if his "episodes" as I call them, were related to an eye infection.  Banjo's episodes have consisted of lethargy, his head wobbling a little, hiding and just an overall appearance of not feeling well and have been increasing lately.  I showed the vetinarian a video I took on Sunday when his episode lasted three and a half hours, and she said it looked like he just didn't feel well, but couldn't give me a definitive diagnosis, which I wasn't expecting.  We talked about everything from exhaustion after too much excitement from certain toys like Lee's drone (he goes crazy and will hyperventilate) which is a behavioral problem to low blood sugar to seizures.  She recommended I get an over-the-counter glucose kit to test his level when he has another episode.  She had a tech come in to show me how to use one and his glucose results were 40 (normal was 80-100)!  The doctor was completely shocked and flabbergasted as she expected it to be normal.  She said his appearance that morning didn't look like a dog with a glucose level that low.  She did a blood test, since the prick tests can be around 20 points off, and it came back as 60.  She consulted with an internist on the phone while I was there, who was also puzzled.  She didn't understand why she was able to neuter him last year and he had no problem with anesthesia.  Banjo has been to the vet twice as a puppy for what we were told were "classic signs" of digesting marijuana.  Both times he had been downtown that day where there is a lot of drug activity.  Since then he's had episodes where he's exhibited the exact same signs, but snapped out of it quickly just as I was ready to take him to the vet.  I told the doctor I really think both times he was hospitalized wasn't caused by pot, but whatever is going on internally.  Lee and I have actually argued several times about what is going on with him.  I know my dog and know when something isn't right and have argued after he's told me multiple times that Banjo is "just tired; he's fine!"  We now have to come up with about $1,000 to see an internist, do a full panel blood work up and possibly an ultrasound.  It is what it is and all I want is for Banjo to be okay.  He's been acting like his old self since his appointment as we've been making sure he eats 3-4 meals a day.  Lucky little guy gets to have wet food mixed in with his dry to ensure he wil eat it.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season.  I'm asking for prayers more than ever for my sweet little cousin, Caroline!  All I really want for Christmas is for everyone to be healthy and healed.

XOXO,
Chelle

 Friday I will be 22 weeks, which is 5.5 months... which is almost to 6 months!  Needless to say this pregnancy is flying by!   It still seems like yesterday I was preparing for IVF and my thoughts were consumed with if it would work and what it would be like to be pregnant.  I stare down at my belly daily, smile and thank God for this little angel.  The worrying hasn't stopped, but since my last ultrasound no major events/pains have happened so I've felt a little more at ease.  Four days prior to my last ultrasound I had some pretty significant cramping all along my lower abdomen, that started mildly the night before and grew stronger the next day, Friday.  I called my OB office and talked to my doctor's MA (my doctor doesn't work on Fridays).  She was not very reassuring to say the least and in hindsight I should've demanded to be seen.  I was in tears that night, from the cramping and fear, and Lee wanted to take me to the hospital, but I declined.  I got very little sleep that night and at one point thought my cramping felt like contractions, or at least what I've heard contractions feel like.  Saturday was a little better and after resting the day away I was much better on Sunday, but still not 100%.  My OB told me last week it is normal to have contractions now, but I need to monitor and count them.  If they persist or worsen I'll have to call the on-call OB to meet me at the hospital, if after hours.

I feel like I should write a book titled "All The Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy."  I've never heard about contractions this early, or severe back pain from shifting of your weight (11lbs can do that?!), or insomnia (that's it for sleeping through the night?) or cramping to the point you feel like your baby is going to drop out!  I thought these were all late third trimester things.  I've watched two of my co-workers this past year, one of which is a close friend, go through their entire pregnancies feeling great without any of these problems.  I thought I was in the clear and it was smooth sailing after my mild nausea went away.  Another thing I wasn't prepared for this early on is hair loss.  Everyone tells me it happens after your baby is born, but I've noticed it picking up in the last month or so.  I almost started to cry this weekend when I washed my hair after three days of not messing with it (I was a little lazy over the holiday) and huge chunks were coming out!  I'm not exagerating!  I took a picture and showed Dr. C at work, which he replied "wow!  That's a lot of hair!"  Not a reply you want to hear from your dermatologist!  I figured it was telogen effluvium, which is a big fancy word for hair loss after a major stress on your body (common after surgeries, having a baby, etc), but why now?  He confirmed it probably is telogen effluvium and thinks all the hormones I took months ago for IVF play a big role and the fact that I didn't do anything with my hair for three days, which I never do.  You lose one hundred hairs a day, so I guess I was just holding all those hairs in my braid, waiting to come out.  Fortunately I have a ton of hair, but I'd really love to keep it that way!

We had our big 20 week anatomy ultrasound just before Thanksgiving, which you've probably already seen the pictures from on Facebook.  Everything looked normal and Kingston is right on track with his growth!  My placenta is still low lying, but they didn't expect it to move much in the three weeks since my last ultrasound.  They seem pretty confidant it will continue to move as my uterus expands.  The ultrasound took one and a half hours because our little boy was all over the place.  He can't sit still during my ultrasounds and at times seems to be showing us a few of his dancing moves.  Who does that remind you of?!  I think if there was ever any doubt if they transfered the correct embryos into me, these ultrasounds confirm they did!  The ultrasound tech kept bouncing the wand on my tummy and had me frequently shift from my right side to my left side to see if he would turn over (he's a stomach sleeper, like his Dad).  He finally moved and looked like he was doing a somersault, and the tech was happy... until he decided he was only going to do a half-way somersault and stopped with his head pointed at his stomach.  She said "Really?  You're going to stop there?  That can't be comfortable."  So it seems we have a very hyper baby (Lee) with a bit of stubborness (me).  It's amazing how they can do the 4D ultrasounds now and even though he wouldn't show us all of his face, the view we got is priceless!  Lee thinks he has my nose, but a lot of people have commented that he looks like Lee.  At one point I did look at his photo and think "oh my gosh, that IS Lee!"  Regardless of who he looks like, he has the sweetest little face!

I finally started my registry this weekend at Babies R Us with my friend Lourdes, who had a baby in May.  Thank goodness she was with me because I never would've thought of half the stuff I will need and probably would've only had ten items on my list.  It took two and a half hours, even though we went through the store pretty fast.  She would tell me things like "you'll definitely need that, don't waste your money on that, these are good and you need to register for multiple ones" and I just followed behind her scanning the color of the items I liked that she recommended.  I still need to edit the registry, since the bouncy swing and seat didn't seem to make it on there and I have multiple crib bedding sets.  I think I might even just register for a dush ruffle, sheets and blanket separately.  She told me he won't even use the blanket for awhile and you just hang it on the crib for decoration.  At almost $200 for a set, I don't really need a blanket for decoration!  Plus I don't have a theme for the nursery; I'm just picking out colors and designs I like.  Lee and I still need to go pick out a stroller and car seat, but I'm secretly glad he didn't go with me to do the majority of the registry.  Last night he looked at the list, commented on how many owl items there were (he wants a true boy theme like bikes on sports) and told me we need to put this UFO loooking space bouncer on our registry that was over $200!  I told him we can get a bouncy seat and a swing for $150; I can't remember his response verbatim last night, but he basically told me I don't always need to be so practical.

For those that don't know, my cousin Julie, who I mentioned in my last post, had her sweet baby on Thanksgiving Day!  Caroline was scheduled to come out the Tuesday after (a couple weeks before Julie's due date), but apparently had plans of her own!  Caroline had surgery on her back the next day to close the gap from spina bifida, and despite an infection, seems to be doing very well!  Please continue to keep their family in your prayers!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and is excited as me for Christmas time (my most favorite holiday)!

XOXO,
Chelle