I thought I'd write a blog today, partially for an update, but mostly for therapy.  My heart has ached over the past few days and I have done some serious crying for my cousin's baby, Caroline.  She was born Thanksgiving Day, a few weeks prior to her due date, and a week early from her scheduled cesarean, with spina bifida.  Her eight hour surgery the next day went well and she was making great strides in learning to suck, swallow and her body was working well on its own as she was quickly being taken off support in the NICU.  A couple days ago, things moved in the opposite direction; her stats were rapidly dropping, she was put on oxygen which needed to be increased, seizure medication and she was intubated.  Every test possible has been run on her and now is she is faced with a possible very risky surgery tomorrow to relieve pressure on the brain stem, which may not help.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help but have a pity party for my cousin, Julie.  I can't help  but ask "why her?"  Julie and I have talked multiple times about "normal pregnancies" and how we both wished  we could've had one.  She had suffered a miscarriage prior to Caroline, and found out Caroline possibly had SB around week 20; you all know my pregnancy struggles.  Why do the most negligent mothers have multiple babies, and my cousin, who will be an amazing mother, have so many trials towards motherhood?  I know most pregnancies end well, but I have seen the other side of that with friends and family, and I do worry more about my sweet little miracle.

On a positive note, I have started feeling Kingston move and the feeling is indescribable!  I was getting impatient and more worried each time people would ask "have you felt him yet?"  Every book or pregnancy app I read said I could expect to feel movement anywhere from 18-22 weeks.  The ultrasound tech on my last ultrasound felt him, my OB felt him... Why wasn't I?  On Monday as I was leaving work, a co-worker and friend put her face up to my belly, as she often does, and spoke to him.  She told me to go home, put some music up to my stomach and that should help me feel him.  On the way home the new song from Adele "Hello" came on Pandora; I turned up the volume and as I sang along I felt something.  It's funny the start of the chorus to that song is "hello from the other side."  I put one hand on my belly, pressed down and felt him, multiple times!  That night the Redskins played Dallas and as Lee and his brother, Marc were screaming at the TV and I could feel him again, without my hands!  Since then he has been an active little boy, mostly at night when I finally sit down and rest.  I felt him the other night so I lifted my shirt and could see his movements.

My belly has had a significant growth spirt in the last several weeks, as well as my aches and pains, but it's all been manageable.  It's so interesting what pregnancy does to your body!  I've had pain below my breasts for about a week which I first blamed on my bra, then thought I had done something to bruise my ribs.  Finally I realized it's all from pregnancy; everything is stretching, expanding and growing, and I have been fascinated with watching my body grow.  As I write this now, Kingston seems to have just woken up and is saying his hellos.

I dropped off presents yesterday at Jacob's Heart, a local organization that supports children with cancer and their families.  For the last two years, we've adopted a less fortunate family as a gift in honor of the doctors at work for their Christmas present.  This year was our first year with Jacob's Heart and after visiting their facility a week ago with my friend Lourdes, I was so overwhelmed with sadness for these families and walked out adopting another family.  Their facility is impressive and has everything from playrooms for younger and older children, a large kitchen and counseling rooms for families.  My in-laws, Lee's brother, my friend Bridgitte and Lee and I donated clothes, shoes, toys, a bike and a grocery store gift card to a family that desperately needed support.  The mother is a single mom of 3 children; one boy age 10, a girl age 8 and another girl, age 5.  The little boy has cancer and his prognosis doesn't look good.  They all live together in one bedroom of an apartment they share with another family.  Jacob's Heart found out they were sleeping on the floor so purchased mattresses for them.  They also bought pots, pans, dishes and utensils after learning the family they shared the apartment with stopped letting them use theirs as they thought they were going to catch the boy's cancer.  It was a huge reminder how privileged we are and how lucky we are with all of our comforts and health.  As an upcoming mother, I couldn't help but think you never know where life will lead you and your family, and it's so important to help others.  Next year I hope I can get my Virginia family involved and any friends that are interested so we can adopt more families.

I took Banjo to the vet this week, partly because his tear stain was getting worse (he has to be put on antibiotic ointment every once in awhile) and partly to see if his "episodes" as I call them, were related to an eye infection.  Banjo's episodes have consisted of lethargy, his head wobbling a little, hiding and just an overall appearance of not feeling well and have been increasing lately.  I showed the vetinarian a video I took on Sunday when his episode lasted three and a half hours, and she said it looked like he just didn't feel well, but couldn't give me a definitive diagnosis, which I wasn't expecting.  We talked about everything from exhaustion after too much excitement from certain toys like Lee's drone (he goes crazy and will hyperventilate) which is a behavioral problem to low blood sugar to seizures.  She recommended I get an over-the-counter glucose kit to test his level when he has another episode.  She had a tech come in to show me how to use one and his glucose results were 40 (normal was 80-100)!  The doctor was completely shocked and flabbergasted as she expected it to be normal.  She said his appearance that morning didn't look like a dog with a glucose level that low.  She did a blood test, since the prick tests can be around 20 points off, and it came back as 60.  She consulted with an internist on the phone while I was there, who was also puzzled.  She didn't understand why she was able to neuter him last year and he had no problem with anesthesia.  Banjo has been to the vet twice as a puppy for what we were told were "classic signs" of digesting marijuana.  Both times he had been downtown that day where there is a lot of drug activity.  Since then he's had episodes where he's exhibited the exact same signs, but snapped out of it quickly just as I was ready to take him to the vet.  I told the doctor I really think both times he was hospitalized wasn't caused by pot, but whatever is going on internally.  Lee and I have actually argued several times about what is going on with him.  I know my dog and know when something isn't right and have argued after he's told me multiple times that Banjo is "just tired; he's fine!"  We now have to come up with about $1,000 to see an internist, do a full panel blood work up and possibly an ultrasound.  It is what it is and all I want is for Banjo to be okay.  He's been acting like his old self since his appointment as we've been making sure he eats 3-4 meals a day.  Lucky little guy gets to have wet food mixed in with his dry to ensure he wil eat it.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season.  I'm asking for prayers more than ever for my sweet little cousin, Caroline!  All I really want for Christmas is for everyone to be healthy and healed.

XOXO,
Chelle