My ultrasound went well today and they confirmed I have two separate sacs and placentas, which puts me at a much lower risk of miscarrying the other baby.  Yesterday and last night were a blur and today is a little clearer.  My ultrasound was so rushed yesterday, so I requested pictures of both the healthy baby (baby A) and deceased one (baby B) today. 

Call it women's intuition or mother's intuition now, but I knew something was wrong yesterday morning.  I got out of the shower, looked at my belly and noticed it was substantially smaller.  I got on the scale and my weight had plummeted to 116lb (it was 120.5 two days prior).  I went into panic and told Lee something was wrong.  He was annoyed I was so quick to jump to a conclusion and we actually got in a fight about it.  He told me last night he won't doubt me when it comes to pregnancy again.  I knew when I was pregnant, I knew it was twins, and yesterday I knew something was wrong. 

I have felt friend's and family's pain over news of the loss of their pregnancy, but until you experience it, it's really hard to understand.  There is an indescribable sadness knowing something that was once thriving inside you is no longer.  I cried to Dr. Moreno (my new doctor) yesterday that I had done this; it was my fault.  I told her I've been crying a lot, very anxious and sad, and the stress of it all was too much for my baby.  She assured me, as did the specialist this morning and genetic counselor I saw this afternoon, that this was not my doing.  There is about a 20% risk of losing one with twin pregnancy and baby B passed away around 9 weeks.  I talked to her about my depression and we decided it was best for me to start Wellbutrin again, which is an anti-depressant.  We went over the risks of taking it while pregnant, but most of the risk (though low and not very accurately studied) are things that happen in the early stages of pregnancy, which I am past.  I talked more about it with the genetic counselor and she made me feel better about taking it.  She went over all the data associated with pregnancy risks.  I am going to take it in the meantime, and probably try to ween off of it before my third trimester.  My depression very well may subside just by the reduced hormones I have in my body now.

There were some genetic screening tests I had scheduled for next week, but now those aren't an option for me as my hormones will throw off the results.  They did do a nuchal translucency scan this morning which measures the pressure on the back of the baby's head, but it's only about 20% accurate in determining if a baby has Down Syndrome.  Fortunately the measurement was normal today.  I now have about 6-7 weeks to determine if I want to do an amniocentesis.  I follow up with my OB doctor next week to continue the appointment that was overshadowed by yesterday's news and I will see the specialist again for an ultrasound in 4 weeks just for peace of mind.  I already love my new OB doctor and am so glad she was the one who was there to console me yesterday.

Lee has been great and is holding up well; he said he's more concerned about me.  He rushed to me yesterday after hearing the news from the sonographer and made it there while I was still seeing my doctor.  I know I will be okay, it will just take time.  Even with all my stress and anxiety of having two, I wanted them both so badly and love them both.  As someone close told me, they take a part of you when you lose them and that is so true!  Both doctors told me a lot of time when one passes, it is usually due to a lot of chromosomal abnormalities, so it is probably a blessing.  Still, baby B was perfect in my eyes and I'm heartbroken I will not get to meet them. 

Lee came with me to my ultrasound this morning and we were able to see baby A move around a lot.  They very active with their hands and feet and Lee and I joked that they were doing a lot of moves that Lee does.  It provided much needed smiles and laughs for us!

Thank you all for your outpouring of text and emails.  It is helping me get through this very hard time!

Love,
Chelle

 Rest in peace, sweet little Baby B

 Baby A, so big and real!

Thank you to all that have emailed or texted in the past week.  I'm sorry that I haven't responded as it's been a bad week for me emotionally.  Today was worse.  My ultrasound showed I lost one of the twins.  I see a specialist in the morning for an ultrasound to confirm the type of twins that I had.  If I have two sacs, two placentas, which they think, I'm at a lower risk for miscarrying the other one, but regardless, my risk is higher now.  I think I'll be okay; I just need time to grieve the loss of them.  I can't even begin to describe the feeling of seeing how small they were on the ultrasound vs the size of the other.  I am simply devastated.  Please pray for the remaining baby, that they grow strong and I'm able to sustain the rest of the pregnancy.

Love,
Chelle

Sorry for the delay in posting!  I've been totally exhausted and in a bit of a funk lately.  I'll get to that in a second, but first...

My appointment went well on Monday with Dr. R!  Twin A caught up with Twin B, and both have good growth and heartbeat!  Twin A's heartbeat (which originally was low) is now up to 171, while B's is 181.  The range they need to be in is anywhere from 120 to 190.  They even look so much larger than our last ultrasound pictures 2 weeks ago!  Dr. Ramirez released me of his care that day, and I almost cried!  Even if my cycle had not resulted in pregnancy, I am so grateful for the wonderful care I received there and can't say enough good things about the staff!  I only wish Dr. R did OB appointments as well and could follow me the rest of my pregnancy!  I hugged all their staff when I left and promised to bring the babies in once they are born.  Lee and I went out for dinner to celebrate afterwards, and Lee kept saying "twins it is!"  It's definitely set in now.

Rewind 2 weeks ago to Grammy's memorial service; we had family and friends in town, some that we haven't seen in probably 6-10 years!  The memorial service was beautiful, followed by a reception and ended with a small service at the graveside for just family.  That afternoon and night we all gathered at Ken & Lynn's house, ate dinner and had a very fun time!  On the way home, I kept commenting about what a great day it had been!  Just as I said that a dog ran across Route 1 from the other side, jumped over the median and started coming toward our lane.  Lee was already going slow, hit the breaks and I shut my eyes and prayed.  When I heard the thump I screamed and sobbed.... all the way home and even into the next day.  I know it wasn't our fault and it was nothing we could do, but it devastated me.  It was dark and there was nowhere to pull over.  Paul and Leandra were following us and said the dog died on impact.  I felt emotionally hungover all weekend from it and it quickly brought me into a depressive state.

My spirits were lifted a couple days later at my appointment with Dr. R, and it was so good to see them on the ultrasound, but prior to that week I had been already fighting the stress and anxiety of raising two.  I hope it's just normal, first-time mother worries, but I have really been racking my brain with how exactly we are going to raise two children.  A co-worker told me to expect daycare to be about $1500 a month.  That's just daycare!  That doesn't include diapers, formula and all the other added stuff babies need (not to mention all the things we are going to have to buy to prepare for baby... times two!).  I also know absolutely nothing about babies and it petrifies me to think Lee will have to be working overtime and doing side work all the time to afford these guys while I navigate blindly on how to raise them.  I've literally changed 3 diapers in my life and they have been the cute little pee-pee ones.  When I hold babies it's awkwardly because I can't figure out how to hold them properly so they and I are comfortable.

Wednesday was my first appointment with my obstetrician, which ended up being with another doctor than who I was referred to.  It was the only way they could get me in to establish care quicker as per Dr. R's instructions.  The doctor was young (mid 40's?), peppy and very nice.  I told Lee he didn't need to go since he had taken off early Monday for my appointment.  I thought "I'm a medical assistant, I can handle all the information."  How wrong I was!

She started the appointment off congratulating me then asking if twins ran in my family.  I told her I didn't, and that we did IVF, which is why I have two.  She told me she didn't see in the notes from Dr. R's office if there is one or two sacs and proceeded to tell me ALL about the different type of twin pregnancies.  I thought it was just identical (monozygotic) or fraternal (dizygotic), but apparently they can have separate gestational sacs, placentas and amniotic fluid or share some or all of these.  She doesn't know if the two that were transferred both implanted, or if one implanted and split, thus going into great detail about all the possibilities.  At first I thought "Identical twins?  That would be cool! until she got the part about if they share the placenta there is a fifty percent mortality rate.  I said "fifteen?"  No "fifty, 5-0."  I started to cry.  She then went into to all the different testing I could have to diagnose genetic disorders like Down Syndrome, which apparently I'm at an increased risk because of my age AND having twins.  She went into detail about all the risk of amniocentesis.  I knew there were risks, but to hear them all right there on top of all the different information she dumped on me was overwhelming to say the least.

I left thinking "okay, I have a lot to think about," but as the day went on everything came crashing down on me.  I've already been so down on myself for being so tired and not cooking, cleaning, playing with the dogs enough, eating bad food, combined with the stress of how the hell are we going to raise twins?  By Friday I was so down I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I went to work, did MOHS that morning (without saying a peep) and fortunately my supervisor let me stay in another building that afternoon and just do phone calls.  I didn't have to face any patients, shoot the bull with co-workers and was happy being in seclusion.

This weekend has been a little better, mostly because Lee has been home.  He took yesterday and today off (he's been working 7 days a week for a long time now) and I didn't realize how much I need to have my partner here.  We took the dogs on a hike yesterday, for a walk on the beach and had no plans or time limit to anything.  Lee has been trying to help me let go of all the stress, but I explained to him if someone took all his energy away it would be very tough adjustment at first.  He has helped a lot with cleaning this weekend, which is making me feel a little more orderly in my mind. 

I am trying my best to push all the negative out and I know the week coming up with family at the beach, and a vacation from work, is exactly what I need!  I went to Costco today and bought already prepared dinners for this upcoming week.  I have no energy to cook and I'm tired of eating crap, so this was a good compromise.  I also bought my first box of diapers!  I told Lee he's going to need to clean out a big section of the garage just for diapers.  I'm slowly trying to research ratings on the best products for strollers, car seats, breast pumps, etc which is a bit daunting!  I found a lengthy review on a breast pump with accessories from a RN who works for an OB-Gyn AND has twins.  I told Lee I have no idea what all the accessories she recommended do, but I added them all to our registry.  She's got to know what she's talking about, right?

I'm 9 weeks as of Friday and my due date is April 8th (I thought it was the 9th).  My doctor is waiting on my surgical report from my fibroid surgery, but told me she's leaning towards a cesarean for me.  Because of the surgery, scar tissue is weak tissue and I run the risk of tearing my uterus from vaginal birth.  She told me she's going to try to let me go till 38th weeks, but that of course could change.  I did call back Friday and changed my follow-up appointment to the doctor I had originally wanted and heard good things about.  I'm supposed to be getting a call from a high risk specialist to do an ultrasound soon and determine what type of twin pregnancy I am, and go through the genetic disorder testing with me (hopefully more calmly) and perform the tests if I choose them. 

Hope everyone is having a great labor-free Labor Day weekend!

XOXO,
Chelle