Call it women's intuition or mother's intuition now, but I knew something was wrong yesterday morning. I got out of the shower, looked at my belly and noticed it was substantially smaller. I got on the scale and my weight had plummeted to 116lb (it was 120.5 two days prior). I went into panic and told Lee something was wrong. He was annoyed I was so quick to jump to a conclusion and we actually got in a fight about it. He told me last night he won't doubt me when it comes to pregnancy again. I knew when I was pregnant, I knew it was twins, and yesterday I knew something was wrong.
I have felt friend's and family's pain over news of the loss of their pregnancy, but until you experience it, it's really hard to understand. There is an indescribable sadness knowing something that was once thriving inside you is no longer. I cried to Dr. Moreno (my new doctor) yesterday that I had done this; it was my fault. I told her I've been crying a lot, very anxious and sad, and the stress of it all was too much for my baby. She assured me, as did the specialist this morning and genetic counselor I saw this afternoon, that this was not my doing. There is about a 20% risk of losing one with twin pregnancy and baby B passed away around 9 weeks. I talked to her about my depression and we decided it was best for me to start Wellbutrin again, which is an anti-depressant. We went over the risks of taking it while pregnant, but most of the risk (though low and not very accurately studied) are things that happen in the early stages of pregnancy, which I am past. I talked more about it with the genetic counselor and she made me feel better about taking it. She went over all the data associated with pregnancy risks. I am going to take it in the meantime, and probably try to ween off of it before my third trimester. My depression very well may subside just by the reduced hormones I have in my body now.
There were some genetic screening tests I had scheduled for next week, but now those aren't an option for me as my hormones will throw off the results. They did do a nuchal translucency scan this morning which measures the pressure on the back of the baby's head, but it's only about 20% accurate in determining if a baby has Down Syndrome. Fortunately the measurement was normal today. I now have about 6-7 weeks to determine if I want to do an amniocentesis. I follow up with my OB doctor next week to continue the appointment that was overshadowed by yesterday's news and I will see the specialist again for an ultrasound in 4 weeks just for peace of mind. I already love my new OB doctor and am so glad she was the one who was there to console me yesterday.
Lee has been great and is holding up well; he said he's more concerned about me. He rushed to me yesterday after hearing the news from the sonographer and made it there while I was still seeing my doctor. I know I will be okay, it will just take time. Even with all my stress and anxiety of having two, I wanted them both so badly and love them both. As someone close told me, they take a part of you when you lose them and that is so true! Both doctors told me a lot of time when one passes, it is usually due to a lot of chromosomal abnormalities, so it is probably a blessing. Still, baby B was perfect in my eyes and I'm heartbroken I will not get to meet them.
Lee came with me to my ultrasound this morning and we were able to see baby A move around a lot. They very active with their hands and feet and Lee and I joked that they were doing a lot of moves that Lee does. It provided much needed smiles and laughs for us!
Thank you all for your outpouring of text and emails. It is helping me get through this very hard time!
Love,
Chelle
Rest in peace, sweet little Baby B
Baby A, so big and real!
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