It's amazing what a difference a week makes.  Last week I felt as if my heart was actually broken inside and was so overcome with sadness I couldn't speak at times.  I would just sit, stare and cry (and wonder "Why??").  I allowed myself a pity party for a few days, then decide enough was enough.  I am so unbelievably lucky to still have one baby left and I have to focus on them.  I also keep reminding myself that God never gives us more than we can handle.  I started to do everything I could think of to get myself excited again for pregnancy.  After posting our news on Facebook, I posted a belly shot and started looking at my profile every day in the mirror.  I rub my belly each day and talked to our sweet baby, while praying and grieving for the one who passed.  I still cry for our lost angel, but the crying has significantly diminished.  On Wednesday I went for my continued appointment with Dr. M (to finish up the appointment previously that was side tracked last week by the shocking news); Dr. M was out sick that day so Dr. Doherty saw me, who I had also heard amazing things about and loved as much as Dr. M.  I heard the baby's heartbeat on a doppler and it was normal, with 150bpm.  I can't tell you the relief I felt and will always feel when I see and/or hear that baby and know they are okay!  I was also able to ask all the questions I had been wanting to ask previously and left the office feeling a huge sigh of relief and excitement.  I felt a very euphoric feeling after that appointment and a lot of my anxiety and worry has been calmed.

I'm obviously hyper-sensitive and scared to death of losing the other, and still worry and am anxious (that's just in my nature), but that is to be expected.  I'm trying to be excited as I can while being optimistically cautious.  It's helped me heal talking to those who have gone through the same loss and made me realize how lucky I am that both weren't lost.  Lee has started talking to my tummy more, which I absolutely love!  He puts his hand on my stomach some nights and says "goodnight, Kingston!"  I told him he's in for a rude awakening if that child is born with a vagina!  He would be equally stoked with a girl, but I think a girl puts a lot of fear in him.  He's pointed to several teenage girls out in public wearing next to nothing and said "See?  That is why we can't have a girl!" 

After my appointment with the genetic counselor the same day I had my ultrasound with the specialist (Lee was there for the ultrasound, not the counseling session), I was telling Lee what the genetic counselor reviewed with me over dinner.  I told him the amniocentesis test was brought up again and we still have 6-7 weeks to decide, but need to have it done by week 20 if we decide to do it.  When I told him we didn't need to discuss it that night, he had a very puzzled look on his face.  I said "Okay, I guess we can discuss it now."  Before we even started IVF, Lee has always had a very strong opinion for years on not bringing a child into this world if we know they will have chromosomal abnormalities.  His argument has always been the stress and financial burden will be too much to handle since we'll have to be their caregivers for life.  I know this is a sensitive subject for some of you and hope you don't pass judgement on Lee.  A lot of people feel this way and some may not be able to handle parenting a baby with Down Syndrome, etc. 

I was shocked when the next thing that came out of his mouth was "Why would we do the amniocentesis?  It's too risky and it's not like it would change anything."  After I picked my jaw up from the table, I reminded him about the strong stance he's always had on the subject.  He replied with "Well, things change!"  I smiled and told him fatherhood has already changed him.  I'm so happy to hear we are in total agreement with not doing the amniocentesis, and both feel God will give us what we are meant to have.  Dr. D asked again if we had decided to do that test at my appointment this week, and after telling her we declined, she said "good, I wouldn't either, it's too risky."  Finally... FINALLY a doctor who gave an opinion!  I know it's a fine line for doctors to avoid giving their strong opinions sometimes and instead give patients all the facts and risk vs benefit for them to decide.  I felt like 1 in 200 was too high of a risk of complications and possible miscarrying the baby with an amniocentesis, but ever doctor has told me I have to decide for myself. 

Anyway, that's one less thing I have to stress about and Dr. D was going to research to see if I am a candidate for a blood test that is offered in the second trimester.  It's not a diagnostic blood test, but will give me a risk factor of our baby having Down Syndrome.

My next appointment with Dr. M is in two weeks (who I'll probably see every two weeks for the rest of my pregnancy, which is fine with me!!) and I think my next ultrasound with the specialist is around the week of the 20th.  I have got to start carrying my organizer!  I used to be able to keep everything in the calendar in my head, but pregnancy brain is no joke and I'm forgetting very easily.  A couple good things did come out of the loss of the twin.  I feel like I'm finally giving myself a break on the things I was stressing about like forgetting easily, not having energy, etc.  I've finally realized I'm going to forget, I'm going to be exhausted at times, the house is probably going to be messy more often than not and I'm not going to feel like always cooking and that's all normal and expected.  I'm putting myself and the baby first and letting go of all the silly things I was stressing over.  I feel like I wasn't handling the stress of having two very well and feel more confident in raising one now.  Like Lee said, we'll be able to spoil one easier and one will be a lot less stressful while we're both figuring out the new world of parenting. 

I am 14 weeks today and officially in my second trimester!  I've been told by friends I should start to feel the baby soon, which will at first feel like a flutter from a butterfly.  I absolutely can't wait to feel them!

Please continue your prayers for our sweet baby!

XOXO,
Chelle